


Of Bites And Kisses

by 230W49thSt



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Booty Calls, Friendship, From Dislike To Sex To Love, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Blow Jobs, M/M, Minor Character Death (no main character!), Mission Training Center, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt, Teacher-Student Relationship, Violence Against Zombies, biting kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 13:49:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8210792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/230W49thSt/pseuds/230W49thSt
Summary: Fifteen years after an infection has turned the world upside down and a huge part of the human population into zombie-like beings, it is the duty for every nineteen-year-old to serve in the armed forces.Kevin's three-month training with the Latter-Day Saints organization will not only prepare him for his two-year-mission but will also mark the end of his youth.And what's more typical of an coming-of-age story than falling in love, friendships and zombies?





	1. The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> About a month ago my iPod shuffled the theme song of 28 Days Later and I fell in love with the idea of a Book Of Mormon Zombie AU. It's loosely inspired by World War Z and probably by 28 Days/Weeks Later, as well as the first five episodes of The Walking Dead - the "people get infected" version of the zombie worlds.  
> I loved writing this story and I hope you will like it, too. (Thanks to S for encouraging me!)
> 
> You will find content warnings at the beginning of a chapter.

_And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things;_

_I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen;_

_wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith._

_-_ _Ether 12:6_

 

On his 19th birthday Kevin Price received the letter his whole family had waited for. They all had expected the letter but when it arrived, his mother broke down and cried. Even his brother Jack was close to tears. A clap on the shoulder was all he got from his father but it was the closest thing to a hug he had got since he was little.

The yet unopened letter would say that Kevin was finally old enough to serve in the armed forces. The sigil on the backside left no doubt about the sender.

Since the outbreak of an infection that had spread over the planet like a wildfire, things had changed. It didn't even have a name – everyone just referred to it as „the infection“ or simply as „it“. People who got infected by bite or blood on open wounds started to transform into an animal like being. Some within minutes, others within hours or even days. Red blood turning into a black thick mass. Not even a shade of themselves anymore, just mindless aggressive beings with a bloodlust. A cure? Not yet found.

_According to the government._

Even almost fifteen years after the first infections had been recorded, they couldn't tell how it had started or who had been patient zero – there were a lot of theories but in the end nothing really mattered anymore.

Survival was the only thing that mattered. Survival, the extinction of those who are infected, finding a vaccination or even a cure and forming a new, safe and functioning society again. The whole world struggled and after some failed attempts in the past, Northern America had managed to form a new provisional government which was more or less stable for five years now. A new form of military service was introduced and became the duty of everyone at an age of nineteen years: at least three months of training and two years of missions, wherever they got sent to, wherever they were needed.

A lot of different organizations offered spots for fulfilling the service – everyone different in tasks, faith, ethics and locations. The main purpose though was to make more areas safe or at least safer. Northern America got split into „Districts“. Those habitable areas were guarded day and night by both civilians and military services. A few Districts even had the size of cities like former Manhattan, New York, but most of them were much smaller. In between Districts was so called no-man's-land, mostly woods, lakes, fields, destroyed and long forsaken towns or any other area where no one or barely anyone lived.

Except infected ones.

One might think that after fifteen years human life would have found a way to eradicate them or to adapt to this new situation but no one had believed that infected people also were able to adapt. That they were capable of learning _at all_ : from hunting in groups and trying weak spots in fences to distract guards to attack from a different side. They were still not very smart but nevertheless it was an alarming evolution. Also their number didn't seem to drop as fast as everyone had expected it. But that was another topic.

\--

Kevin went to his room he shared with his brother and sat down on his bed. Hesitantly he tapped on the envelope in his hand. Through the small window he could see his two sisters playing soccer with other children. They were only nine and eleven years old.

The sun was high in the sky; it was a lovely summer day. The children were laughing softly - trying not to shout in delight for making noise is something that you weren't allowed to do, even inside the borders of a relative safe District. The Price family was lucky to live in a middle section of the District. The houses closer to the protected border were always the first to get attacked by infected ones.

The children born here didn't know another world. Even Kevin could barely remember a different world. The world before.

He had been five years old when the outbreak began and possessed nothing but a few pieces of memories of the time when everything used to be _normal_ – a term only older people used in this context. He remembered playing in their garden, full of daisies and dandelions, yelling loudly and laughing. He remembered his mother's cheer when his father had asked him to sing her a birthday song – which he did. They had been happy.

And once they had been to a theme park. Sitting high on a Ferris wheel, looking over the world and the little boy had been amazed by how small and big the world was at the same time. Every time the gondola was near the ground, the boy had yelled “up, up, up” and up they went again. Round and round and round and round.

Kevin shook his head. Maybe it hadn't even been that blissful, back then, he told himself. But his memories told him otherwise.

Life before the outbreak hadn't been _normal_ to him. It had been a _fairy tale_.

And he desperately wanted it back.

There was a knock on the door.

„Hey,“ his brother said quietly and lingered at the doorframe. „So, what does it say?“

Kevin shrugged. „I haven't opened it yet.“

„Oh, okay,“ Jack said, „they are waiting though.“

Kevin sighed. „Just give me a sec.“

Jack closed the door and Kevin took a deep breath. He had known this day would come. Was he scared? Yes. But so was everyone, even here in Salt Lake City. Fear was something they all lived with. Every day. He looked back at the children outside. Living without fear, that's something worth fighting for. For his family. For his brother, for his younger sisters who reminded him of himself when he was younger.

And, he had to admit, mostly for himself. He not only wanted it, he _owed_ it the younger Kevin Price. To love, laugh and wonder about the world like he did when he was younger. And he believed it was possible. He just knew there was a place on this planet where all this was possible.

And he knew exactly where he had to start looking for it.

„Here we go,“ he mumbled and opened the envelope.


	2. Welcome To Provo

Two weeks later Kevin arrived at the Mission Training Center in District Provo with nothing but a small bag in his hand and a broken heart in his chest for leaving his family.

He'd decided to serve with the Latter-Day Saints organization. His father had worked for them before and the LDS had done a lot of good things in their own District Salt Lake City. They had renewed the border, helped to restore destroyed factories and much more.

So it was only fair, Kevin said to his family, to give something back.

It wasn't necessary to apply to an organization, but he didn't want to get sorted into one at random so he'd written a long letter to the leader of the LDS, Thomas Monson, why he was perfect for his organization. And he was indeed accepted.

His single goal was to become the very best soldier they had ever seen and everything would turn out his way.

Because it wasn't the only reason he had chosen the LDS...

 

„Next!“ a voice said and cut off his thoughts.

Along with about twenty other recruits he waited in line for the registration after he'd passed the physical examination. District Provo was a training base in former Canada with no civilians and belonged completely to the Latter-Day Saints. Everyone who lived here was either working to train the young men, leading member of the organization or in between missions.

„Next!“ the voice said again and Kevin stepped forward. It belonged to a man in Kevin's age with ginger hair who was wearing a white shirt and a blue tie. His eyes were fixed on a list lying on the table in front of him.

„Name?“ he asked without looking up.

„Kevin Price.“

„District?“

„Salt Lake City.“

„Salt Lake City, help me out, what's the security rate again?“

„It's a District 2, Sir.“

The redhead looked up and let his eyes wander over the new recruit. He looked very stern but his relaxed eyes revealed his amusement.

„Did you just call me Sir?“

Kevin tried to hide his nervousness. He didn't mean to embarrass himself within the first minutes after his arrival.

„Well, yes, I mean, I thought--“

„I don't mind being called Sir but Elder McKinley will do,“ the man said with a grin and pointed at the black sign on his shirt which stated his name and the sigil of the LDS – a small angel with a trombone. He continued filling out some paper work while talking to Kevin.

„Security rate 2, that's not very common. Of course Provo is a 2 as well, maybe even less. Most people live in Districts 4 to 5, in case you didn't know. _People tend to not know things._ It's annoying. One time I even met someone from a District 7. He had stories to tell you wouldn't believe. Anyway, you must have had a good life so far.“

„Two months ago my uncle and my cousin were infected in their beds in their locked house so I guess numbers don't say much about the security of the world we live in,“ Kevin replied bitterly.

Elder McKinley put down his pen and looked him straight into the eyes.

„I'm sorry, you're right,“ he said and it was sincere. „I shouldn't have said that.“ Kevin gave a quick nod to indicate the topic was done for him.

„Nevertheless,“ Elder McKinley continued to Kevin's surprise, „you should be prepared that you being a District 2 will make life here not that easy, at least in the beginning. I'm just being honest with you. Even District 3's get mocked. We have all lost someone, some more, some less. I give you some advice: Don't pretend your life is worse than anybody else's.“

Kevin dropped his bag. „I never said it was, don't twist my every word!“

„And I never said you did! It's advice, nothing more,“ McKinley said with wrinkled eyebrows.

„Advice,” the new recruit huffed, “I don't need your advice.“

„Gee, you're one of a kind,“ McKinley groaned and gnashed his teeth.

„Sure I am, you will see!“

For a few moments they just stared at each other until Elder McKinley collected himself again. With his lips pressed together he gave Kevin the necessary papers.

„Here's all the information you need for now. More will follow. The introduction event will begin at 4 pm in the main hall. The dorm's on the left, here is your key, don't lose it. You're in room...“ He checked his list again and wrinkled his forehead. „Oh, room 5.” Kevin could swear that he had mumbled something like “you’re kidding me” in the end but it had been too low.

„Thank you,“ Kevin said and faked a smile. He grabbed the papers and stepped away to make room for the next recruit when a voice called him back.

„And Price?“

Kevin turned around.

„Welcome to Provo,“ Elder McKinley said and Kevin rolled his eyes at his snarky undertone.

 --

On his way to his room, Kevin admired the buildings, the pathways made of bricks and the small gardens in between. Everything was very structured and neat. The lawn was freshly cut, the windows were clean and the recruits were all wearing the same outfit – a white shirt, black pants and a black tie. In the distance he could make out a training field with an obstacle course.

Those who seemed to be teachers, instructors or staff wore a colorful tie. Kevin wondered what that McKinley person's job would be. Maybe just the dude who had to register everyone. Who cares about that douchebag anyway?

The District wasn't as big as Salt Lake City but somehow it felt _wider_. More open. Fewer buildings in the way. Fewer people. Everyone on the grounds had a _purpose_. Everybody knew what to do. It was organized. Kevin already loved it.

He took a deep breath. Even breathing seemed to be easier here. A shot of guilt flooded his body. He shouldn't feel better than with his family but being on his own, even if he had only just arrived, was about to change him. He could feel it. Something was coming, something exciting, something good. It was his time to prove that he was worthy. Worthy of--

„Looking for the dorm? You look kinda lost.“

„Oh, yes, room 5,“ Kevin answered. Actually he'd been only lost in thoughts but anyway.

„Good room,“ the dark-haired man answered with a smile. His name tag said 'Elder Church, SF'. „Just follow this way. That's dorm A. There are rooms 1 to 30. They are connected to the building complex as you can see. Main hall, canteen, gym and so on. On the other side of the building there's dorm B, rooms 31 to 60. If you feel the need to sneak about, wait until the other recruits or Elders are on a nightly training mission.“ He winked. „Less guards around.“

„I don't sneak about,“ Kevin said and was piqued about the assumption Elder Church had made.

„Yeah, that's what they all say,“ Church laughed, „let's talk again in three months.“

\--

Room 5 was one of the last rooms in the corridor of dorm A. Kevin turned the key inside the lock, opened the door – and almost hit it at someone.

„Oh, sorry,“ Kevin apologized, „I didn't expect--“

„Don't worry,“ a blond man said smiling, „they always fail to tell the new ones that they already have a roommate.“ He held out his hand. „Hi, my name's Elder Christopher Thomas but you can call me Poptarts.“ Kevin took his hand to shake it. His grip told Kevin that he seemed to be self-confident and strong but without bragging about it – a little deductive something he had learnt from his mother.

„Nice to meet you, I'm Kevin Price. So, you're already an Elder?“

„Yeah, the newbies always get paired together with someone who has almost finished the training. Shit, didn't they tell you anything at the registration? Let me guess: McKinley?“

Kevin nodded with narrow eyes, hoping to have found an ally against that Elder.

„I thought so,“ Poptarts laughed, „he likes to let you guys walk into unknown territory. He's a bastard.“

„Yes, he is!“ Kevin exclaimed more seriously than he had intended to. Poptarts gave him a strange look and a friendly clap on the shoulder.

„Yeah, whatever,“ he chuckled, „it's my last three months at the camp if everything goes according to plan.“

„Last months? How long have you been here?“ Kevin was astonished. The training before the mission lasted averagely about three months _in total._

„I'm Special Forces hence the SF on my name tag,“ his roommate explained proudly, „Poptarts is actually my call sign. It takes one year training to get my D9, my District 9 mission approval. Last week I got my D8 but since District 9's the last possible level, there's still a lot of training ahead of me. And I really want this.“

„Wow,“ Kevin said, „that's amazing.“ Sharing a room with someone from Special Forces who was as ambitioned as he was – Kevin considered himself lucky. Learning from books or information stored in computers was barely possible since so much had been destroyed. A lot of wisdom had to be shared by spoken words and he looked forward to Poptarts telling him a lot of important things and inside information only someone with almost D9 approval would know.

„Right? So, here's your bed and your clothes. The bathroom is right next to our room. It's just a small one. Others are in the locker room of the gym. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me. I suggest you get changed and come to the main hall. See you there!“

„Thanks, Poptarts. See you!“

Kevin, now alone in his room, sat down on his bed. The mattress here was softer than the one he slept on back home. He wondered what his family was doing right now. Jack was probably helping the guards as he always did after school. His time to serve would come in three years. Kevin hoped that his sisters wouldn't have to do their military service at all. That the world would already be a better one by then.

He looked outside the small window. No children playing, just the shooting range in the far distance.

He emptied his bag and put his clothes into an empty drawer in the small room. There was a poster hanging on the wall above Poptarts' bed. It showed every District in Northern America. Some with names and security rank, like Salt Lake City with a little 2, other ones only with the security rank. Somewhere in the East, surrounded by a big area of no-man's-land, there was a red circle around a small area with a red 9 and an exclamation mark in it.

A District 9.

A shiver ran down his spine.

Of course Kevin had heard of a District 9 before but he had never seen one on a map. And there it was. When the infection had started to spread across the world, there'd been a lot of areas like this one. Too dangerous to live in or even to build a military zone, infected people all around, mostly in places they couldn't get exterminated that easily. Tunnels, deserted buildings, cellars, underground stations, you name it. Almost fifteen years after the outbreak and it still wasn't in control like everyone had expected it to be a decade before. The scientists that hadn't been killed in the last years worked hard but information for the public was rare. Rumors spread almost as fast as the infection did once, even between Districts.

Rumors about different ways the infection would spread, rumors about infected people breeding, infected animals, a government that had planned the outbreak for over fifty years and was still pushing it, the wrath of God or simply hell on Earth.

Rumor after rumor. Some true, some at least plausible, some not so much.

Kevin scanned the map for another District he had heard of but it was only another rumor: The rumor of a District Orlando with a security rate of zero where life without fear was the default.

He'd overheard it once when he was nine years old and his father had worked with the LDS in Salt Lake City. The LDS had been helping to make their District secure and his father had been a very good soldier, probably the best one in the District. One day Thomas Monson, the everlasting leader of the LDS, payed them a visit and offered Mr. Price a job. Kevin had been playing under the kitchen window and had found himself eavesdropping. His father had been asked to become a District Leader of a brand new District. A District, Monson had said, no one knew about. Kevin had held his breath when Monson's voice softened.

Something about Orlando. Something about security ranks. Something about zero. Something about happiness. Something about _like before_.

His father had smiled the whole evening and the next day, not telling anyone why he had been so happy. Two days later he broke his arm on a construction site, a stupid accident.

One week later a family on the other part of the District moved away. It was big news. People didn't simply move away. It wasn't possible.

But there'd been a helicopter from the LDS who brought them away, people said.

They had almost left behind all their possessions, they said.

The family had been looking happy, they said.

No one had ever seen them again.

Kevin studied again the map in front of him but there was no District Orlando.

\--

When Kevin entered the so called main hall, his mouth fell open.

During the bombing-years after the outbreak – a desperate, panicky and futile try of the world to kill the infected part of mankind - many houses, buildings and landmarks had been destroyed and barely anyone could afford the resources to build anything else than simple standardized small houses with small windows.

The height of the long room of the main hall was almost thrice Kevin's own height. The giant windows on both sides were made of colorful glass showing pictures of holy people and angels - Moroni as Angel with the trombone in the middle. On both sides of the stage at the other end of the hall there were two stone statues that looked like from before the bombing-years.

And there was a strange smell in the air. Unknown to Kevin but there was something soothing about it.

This was how he had imagined a church to look like from the stories his mother had told him. And as he stood there at the entrance of the hall, he was able to remember what the moment had felt like when he had sat on the Ferris wheel as a child. The moment of wonder and astonishment, of everything the world could be. Small and big at the same time. Full of possibilities for everyone, even for a four year old Kevin Price. After every down, there was an up again. He didn't quite understand it back then but now it was clear as day.

Like there was always hope for a better tomorrow. He had never believed to see a church from the inside but now he was here, standing right in the--

„Wow, look at that, like a spaceship,“ a voice next to him said loudly. Kevin turned around. „I've never seen a hall like that, look at the windows!“ A chubby guy with glasses and curly black hair raised both his hands towards the ceiling. „It's _sooo_ high!“

„Yeah, it is,“ Kevin hushed and wished the guy would lower his voice and fix his damn rumpled tie. „We should probably take a seat.“

„Yes, okay,” the guy said but didn’t move, „my name's Arnold, Arnold Cunningham. Which District are you from?“

„Kevin Price, I'm from--“ he hesitated for a second, remembering Elder McKinley's words, „well, I'm from Salt Lake City.“ Screw McKinley.

„Oh cooool,“ Arnold almost yelled which caused a few Elders from the last rows to turn around their heads. „Another District 2! I thought I was the only one. I'm from District Portland. I've never been in another District before, this is so great! Oh and you're in my class, my roommate already told me all the names. Did you come by helicopter? I got here by bus.“

„By helicopter, yes, it was a nightmare, very crowed and late,“ Kevin said. All of a sudden he felt a bond to the weird chatty guy, alone for the reason that he was also a District 2 and the first new recruit he had talked to. „Now, come on and let's sit down.“

The first two rows were occupied by the twenty new recruits, all wearing their new outfits. The older recruits, about forty, sat behind them, and the last rows were occupied by the teachers and instructors. Kevin glanced over the unknown faces and was glad when he caught sight of Poptarts some rows behind him. His roommate gave him an encouraging wave and a smile before he leant back to the person sitting behind him, in the row for instructors.

It was Elder McKinley.

Though Kevin couldn't make out any words, Poptarts' body language and the way he gestured when he talked assured him that they seemed to be friends. It was a surprise for him to see his friendly roommate talking to the guy he had called _bastard_ a few minutes ago.

...unless it was supposed to be a joke.

...which would explain Poptarts' facial expression when Kevin had agreed on McKinley being a bastard.

„Oh my gosh“, Kevin breathed.

He still couldn't take his eyes off the two when suddenly both of them stared right back at him. Shit, did Poptarts tell McKinley what he had said? He could see McKinley raising his eyebrows at him. Quickly he turned to Arnold to pretend to be in a conversation with him.

„What's the matter? You okay, Kevin?“

„Fine, fine. So, how long was your bus ride?“

„Two days, I think,“ he answered. „Are you really okay? You're all twitchy.“

„I think,“ Kevin started slowly, unsure if to trust Arnold, „I think I accidentally insulted my roommate’s friend. Or boyfriend, gosh, I don't know, who seems to be an instructor here of all things. I thought he was just someone from the staff.“

Arnold laughed but frowned when Kevin's terrified facial expression didn't change. „Ah, don't worry,“ he calmed him, „I'm sure tomorrow everything will be forgotten. You know what my mother always said to me? Tomorrow is a latter day! And she was always right.“

„I hope so,“ Kevin sighed.

\--

The worst part of the event was the introduction of the instructors and teachers of the Latter-Day Saints organization. Thomas Monson, significantly older than Kevin had in mind, introduced every one of them on stage and told the new recruits about their subjects.

„And this, gentlemen, is Elder McKinley. He's been here for nine months now and will become a District Leader for a yet unknown District when he has his D9 qualification. Only a handful people have ever achieved this. I couldn't persuade him yet to stay, that's a shame.“

Elder McKinley made an apologizing gesture and Kevin whimpered quietly. A District Leader was basically the one in charge of a new District, both in a military and an administrative sense. The task came with great power and responsibility and therefore was only given to the very best Elders of all the organizations in Northern America. And McKinley was one of them.

„As my right-hand man in many businesses, he will definitely leave a void here in Provo. “

The Elders and everyone on stage applauded in a usual quiet manner, barely making a noise but it was the gesture that counted these days. Elder McKinley put a hand on his chest and smiled thankfully at the audience. Kevin cringed on his chair and stared at a very interesting stain on the floor in front of him.

„Good man, really,“ Monson continued. „Meanwhile he also teaches self-defense and is the substitute teacher for shooting training. As usual he'll be the lead instructor for one class as well. Even if he doesn't give the impression, I should add that he organizes the best parties since the outbreak.“

The audience laughed and someone even whistled.

„Poptarts! I'm warning you,“ Monson said with a wagging finger but then he winked. „Ah no, the parties deserve a whistle.“

\--

The teachers and instructors took their seats again and Monson ended the event with some last words.

„I know you all have a lot of questions but time will answer them all. You begin your studies in the morning, please pick up your schedules and information folder from the table in the back and wait for your roommates. Those of you who are in line for Special Forces, administration or other special trainings will get notified in about a week. At last let me say how glad I am to welcome so many fresh and eager new faces at the Letter-Day Saints. Three months from now on you will be Elders and approved for missions up to District 6. I wish you all a good start.“

„Do you wanna be friends?“ Arnold asked when they walked to the back. Kevin almost halted out of surprise.

„Are you always that straight forward?“

Arnold seemed to think about it for a moment and nodded. „I think so, yes.“

Kevin couldn't hold back a smile.

„Alright. Then my answer is yes.“

He never had a real friend before, at least not per definition. The others in his district were either a few years younger or older than him. A few years made a lot of difference considering what had happened. The younger ones didn't know the world before, the older ones knew the world before too well. And Kevin was right in the middle, knowing only pieces, more feelings than graspable memories but enough to feel lost between times. To finally be around the same generation as him gave him a feeling to belong somewhere - even to a slightly too loud Arnold Cunningham.

Poptarts already waited with Kevin's folder in his hands in the back and, of course, Elder McKinley stood right beside him.

„Already found a friend, eh?“ Poptarts asked and grinned at Kevin who tried not to make a face. All his force of will was focused on ignoring the redhead beside him but let it look like it was sheer coincidence.

„I'm Elder Thomas,“ he introduced himself to Arnold, „but everyone calls me Poptarts.“

„Cool name! Kevin, this is Connor McKinley, my roommate and our lead instructor.“

Kevin wasn't sure if the blood in his veins froze or vaporized.

„I already had the pleasure,“ McKinley said with a teasing yet superior look in his eyes. „Kevin Price is _one of a kind_.“

„Elder McKinley,“ Kevin mumbled in recognition and answered with a nod.

Poptarts held back a laugh, Arnold was busy making the connection between the conversations before and the situation now and Kevin simply concentrated on existing.

What if everything he had hoped for was about to fail because he blew it with his _lead instructor_ on his first day? The guy that had to write reports about him, had to evaluate him, had to decide if he was worthy for the task.

„Let's go, Cunningham, I show you around,“ McKinley said and left with Arnold at his side.

„Well,“ Poptarts grinned and looked at him, waiting for Kevin to say something. He was grinning _a lot_ but at least it made the situation less tense.

„So, he's your friend, boyfriend, I don't know, and not a bastard at all, right?“ Kevin said quietly. If it wouldn't have been even more embarrassing, he had covered his face with his hands.

„Best friend, yes,“ Poptarts responded promptly. „Listen, I'm sure you will get along just fine and just had a bad start.“

„Yeah, I hope so,“ Kevin repeated the words he'd already told Arnold.


	3. The Rules And The Task

„Since I have the, uh, _honor_ of being your lead instructor for your time at the LDS organization, I also have the duty to inform you of the mission rules in the training center. Of course when your training missions outside the District start, approximately in a week, the list gets even longer, so pay attention.“

Five of the new recruits, Zelder, Davis, Neeley, Cunningham and Price, sat on the floor in the gym while Elder McKinley sat on a vaulting box reading from a sheet. Instead of their formal outfits, they wore simple white shirts and dark grey sweat pants, but McKinley still pulled it off to look graceful – at 8 o'clock in the morning.

„You go to bed at 10 pm; you get up at 6.30 am. Your clothes don't have stains, your haircuts are precise.“ He glanced at Arnold who just smiled at him. „For the next three months, contact to your family only in case of an emergency and you don't tell anyone anything about the training or structure of the LDS. It's a security thing. If you don't know whether you should take a shower or not, you take it. Be clean. Guard duty schedules will follow.“

A subtle tone of boredom slipped into McKinley's voice as if he'd recited this list already a couple of times.

„If you are too sick to attend class, you tell your room mate immediately. If he's not available, you tell your lead instructor which happens to be me. Room 52 by the way.“

„And what if you're not available?“ Arnold interposed with a raised hand.

McKinley frowned at him. „Well, but I am always available.“

„What if you're peeing?“

The others began to laugh.

Kevin watched the Elder closely. He seemed to think about whether Arnold was making fun of him or was truly sincere. Kevin himself had already spent some time with his new friend, checking together the grounds the day before, and was convinced of the honesty of the question. He was wondering if Arnold's roommate would come to the same conclusion.

„Then just leave me a note or come back later, okay?“

For the sake of his new friendship with Arnold, he reluctantly accepted McKinley's answer.

„Let's move on. No fire weapons in the dorm, I repeat, no weapons in the dorm, in the building complex or anywhere else on the grounds except during guard duty.“

„And how are we supposed to learn how to shoot?“ Zelder complained.

„On the training field and shooting range you use electronic guns that don't make any sounds. The recoil, the weight, everything will be the same but you can't hurt anyone and don't draw attention to our base.“

He put down the sheet and tried to hide a yawn. Kevin wanted to tut at his unprofessionalism but caught himself hiding a yawn as well. It _was_ early in the morning.

„There's a lot more but I'd rather start the training than to read it out loud so it's your homework, alright? It's in your information folder.“

Of course Kevin knew that. He had already read through every sheet of paper they had got. Twice.

They all got up, impatiently waiting for McKinley to start the self-defense course.

„Oh,“ he said, „I almost forgot the most important rule.“ He said it in such a serious tone that the newbies' chatter fell quiet. „Do not get involved with any of your co-recruits or anyone of the staff.“

Some of them started to laugh, Arnold the loudest and even Kevin had to grin a bit. He hadn't read this rule on the official rule list.

„I'm damn serious and not only because the LDS isn't exactly a supporter of same-sex relationships. You know the drill: repopulation of the planet and so on. People, good people, already got kicked out for that reason. Another reason is far more important: You get trained to fight in a war where some of you might not come out alive. The last things we need are some hormone-driven gonna-be-soldiers that cannot keep a clear head because they fell in love and thought about jerking each other off instead of doing their duty. In the end, that’s what gets us killed.”

The part about dying shut them off and blew a fresh wind through Kevin's mind. Only one day in company with people of his own age and he'd almost forgotten that it wasn't about finding friends or arguments with an instructor, this was about his mission – to be the very best recruit, to find a way to District Orlando, a pace of peace, joy and happiness.

„Since we're an uneven number, I'll train with one of you. Neeley and Davis, Cunningham and Zelder.“

„Why do I have to put up with a District 2?“ Zelder said to Davis and Neeley. He didn't make an effort to lower his voice. „I bet he doesn't even know what an infected one looks like.“

„Hey!“ McKinley interrupted him loudly.  „You three, go get the mats and batons, now.“  Though he often gave the impression of being annoyed around the new recruits, his voice could be as sharp as a diamond when necessary.

After the three had disappeared in the equipment rom, McKinley went up to Arnold, put a hand on his shoulder and said quietly something which made the curly haired man smile.

Maybe he wasn't that awful at all.

„Price,“ McKinley beckoned him to come to him as soon as the others had returned with the equipment and stood in pairs in front of the mats, „you're with me. And please,“ he added softly when the others couldn't hear them, „don't hold back, I wanna see what you're made of.“

Scratch that thought. He is an arrogant bastard.

„Okay everyone, I'm gonna show you some defense moves just to give you a feeling for what you're about to learn. Price will take the part of an infected one. Ready, Price?“

Great, Kevin Price thought, this is just great.

\--

A week after his arrival Kevin found a letter someone had pushed beneath his door. There was no name on the envelope but since Poptarts was on a Special Force training mission for the next days, Kevin assumed that the letter was addressed to him.

There was a hand-written note inside. He quickly skimmed the text if it was something bad but it was quite the contrary. Thomas Monson himself wrote that he had very much liked the application Kevin had written some time ago and he wanted him to be part of another unit for a special mission. Not Special Forces but something different. Said mission was still top secret but very important. Everyone involved would get a worthwhile reward.

This is it, Kevin thought.

All he had to do, according to the letter, was to take an additional psych evaluation and some extra lessons: one-to-one lessons in self-defense, first aid and a few others, like interrogation techniques which weren’t on the regular schedule. He was allowed to tell his friends but the letter hinted to not tell anything about a reward.

This night, Kevin went to bed smiling.


	4. Guard Duty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: violence against zombies (I laughed while typing this)

One of the obligatory tasks everyone in District Provo had to do was guard duty. Even in their home districts, guard duty was a thing every one of the younger generations had been raised up with. Armed with guns, batons or similar weapons every group was responsible for a certain part of the border. The border of the District Provo was partly a solid stone wall or a fence of steel or wood. On top of the wall and fence barbwire had been installed because infected people who had managed to climb up often got stuck in it. This gave the guards enough time to exterminate them.

A month after the arrival of the new recruits, Kevin was on duty like every third day. His group consisted of Poptarts, Arnold and Elder McKinley and they were responsible for about a mile which was quite a length. But the area around the District was considered quite secure hence the security rate of 2. An attack was pretty much impossible.

Pretty much.

It was around 2 am in the night and nothing unusual had happened so far, like the days and weeks before. Infected ones didn't seem to like the warm summer months and stayed in cooler places. Their shift had started at 12 am and was about to end at 3 am, so they didn't except much more.

Poptarts had left them to go to the bathroom – he shouldn't have but „sometimes rules are overrated and I really need to go, stop bitching, Con!“ – and Arnold was asleep leaning on a tree trunk some feet away from the steel fence. He'd been sick the whole day but „didn't want to miss out on the fun“. Kevin and Connor walked the grounds along the fence. Any company was better than no company.

„So,“ Kevin said after a while, „you'll be District Leader, huh?“ Connor glanced at him. There was always something tense about him, Kevin thought. And that had got nothing to do with the fact they were on patrol and wearing loaded guns and batons.

„That's right,“ he answered briefly. „Why are you asking?“

Kevin wrinkled his brow. 

„For the sake of conversation, McKinley,“ he sighed, „why do you always think I'd have some secret agenda?“

The darkness around him made him braver to speak from his mind. It's been a month since his start in District Provo and although Connor McKinley and Kevin Price still had their problems, they started to tolerate each other and even had one or another almost private conversation - for the reason alone that their crossover friendships with their roommates forced them to spend more time together than they had planned for.

„I don't.“

„Eldeeeer,“ Kevin teased him and earned one of McKinley's rare defeated smiles.

„Alright, you got me. It's just...“ He fell silent and Kevin didn't push further. When they arrived at the end of their mile, they turned around to go back. „I don't trust people easily, that is.“

„Oh, I understand,“ Kevin said, „I didn't mean to pry.“ Nevertheless it preyed on his mind. McKinley seemed to think about something so the recruit waited patiently.

“Mutual trust is always a promise,” the Elder said quietly, “and it’s hard to keep promises in this world. It’s not even the people’s fault, it’s--”

“—just the way the world is now.”

McKinley didn’t add anything else.

„But you do trust Elder Thomas,“ Kevin said. It was more a statement than a question.

„Yes, I do, why are you--“ Even though Kevin hadn't seen it, he knew McKinley had just bit himself on his lips. Kevin chuckled and the Elder shrugged, half apologizing, half amused about himself.

„Because I think it's important that everyone has someone to trust,“ Kevin answered the unasked question.

„True.“

They walked in silence. It was a quiet night, a few stars could be seen in the sky and the branches of the trees in the forest on the other side of the border made soothing noises. Kevin wondered if they'd become friends someday. He wasn't sure why but in moments like these he actually liked the Elder: When only the two of them were together, doing small-talk or no talking at all. McKinley was always tense to some degree but in those moments, Kevin could swear it wasn't that bad.

„You know what Arnold asked me on the first day?“

„Maybe you should ask me what Arnold _didn't_ ask you the first day,“ McKinley joked and Kevin once again smiled. „No, I don't know, what was it?“

„He asked me if I wanted to be friends with him.“ McKinley fell quiet, his fingers nervously tapping on the baton that stuck in his holster, and he turned to Kevin. He looked slightly overwhelmed. It was strange for Kevin to see his very controlled lead instructor like this but he didn't stop either. „I know it's a bold question but I wanted to ask--“

Before Kevin had the chance to finish the sentence, several things happened at almost the same time.

First, there was a yell half a mile in front of them which sounded alarmingly similar like Arnold.

Second, Kevin had the uncomfortable feeling that someone or something was watching them.

Three, there was a noise close behind Connor and Kevin on their side of the fence inside the District. A noise like a growling animal.

McKinley didn't miss a second. He grabbed the gun from his holster and turned around to aim at the figure behind them.

„Are there others?“ McKinley asked with a shaky but calm voice, still aiming at the something behind them. His body posture was on point, textbook.

Kevin was in shock. He stared at the first infected one he'd ever seen that close. Not smashed to dead-dead, not restrained, not from afar, not surrounded by soldiers. Right in front of him. _He_ was the soldier now. It was a woman – or at least what was left of her. She was missing a part of her right leg, the rest almost nothing more than stinking dead flesh, and limped towards them. Her skin was of an unhealthy looking grey color. Her eyes were opaque and where the barbwire had cut her body, a black liquid leaked her body. She was chewing something that looked like rotten meat, maybe from a dead animal she had found.

Hopefully.

„Kevin, answer me!“ McKinley ordered. The woman came closer.

Finally Kevin averted his gaze from the infected one and turned around.

In the distance he could see Arnold running towards them, alone, away from something he'd seen. He was about to say 'no' when he spotted other infected people a few yards ahead on the other side of the fence, clinging against the steel and trying to climb up.

„Shit,“ Kevin hissed and he could see in the corner of the eye that Connor immediately reacted to his curse, put back his gun and grabbed for the baton. Noises like gunshots would only cause the attention of more infected ones. It made them furious and they attacked quicker. One of them was already struggling with the barbwire and frighteningly close to succeed. And Arnold was running right towards them. He hadn't seen them.

„I got this,“ Connor said, his eyes fixed on the woman, „go.“

Adrenalin pumped through Kevin's body as he slowly jogged towards Arnold, waving his arms to make him stop. But Arnold didn't stop. His friend was almost on the same level as the climbing infected person when Kevin did the only thing he could think of. He yelled.

„STOP!“

Arnold came to halt about a yard in front of it. Just in time.

Because in this moment the infected one fell down the fence and landed on their side of the border. A loud crack could be heard when the man broke several bones in his body due to the fall – a disgusting sound. Kevin grabbed his baton and Arnold did the same, shaking obviously, his eyes fixed on the greyish man. He had a big tattoo on his back and wore only dirty brown shorts. He growled and showed his teeth when he crawled towards Arnold, injured but still like an ambushing animal.

Now or never, Kevin thought. Before another one would have the chance to get to them, he had to smash the man's head. To fight one infected one at a time could be done, especially if it was already in a bad shape, but more was suicidal. Just when Kevin wanted to run up to the man, he had a strange feeling that something was behind him. A musty smell rose up his nose.

That was all the warning he had got. A grey hand seized his right arm holding the baton. He hurled around.

It was a child, maybe ten years old.

A girl.

Grey skin, the stinking smell that one could never get used to, open wounds with rotten flesh, remains of clothes almost glued to the body by the darkish blood-like liquid. A growling in its throat.

Kevin could have smashed its head. The child was strong but a child nevertheless.

But he couldn't.

It was a _child_. A little girl. She, no, _it_ was still grabbing his arm, strengthen the grip. He barely felt the pain.

In the distance Kevin could see McKinley smashing the woman's head. She was already lying on the ground. Behind him he heard Arnold fighting against the infected man or at least cursing at him.

Suddenly everything became very clear to Kevin. This was the end.

The end before it had even started.

He couldn't kill this child. It wasn't its fault to be like this. That the world had become this spooky hell dream. Kevin's body was filled with a feeling of resignation and it calmed him. He looked up at McKinley who had just killed the woman for good and turned in his direction. Their eyes met.

Kevin could see the bewilderment and horror in the Elder's face.

Kevin regretted that he had never the chance to ask him if he wanted to be his friend. Maybe in another life.

It didn't even come as a surprise when the child suddenly urged forward, ready to take a bite out of Kevin's arm -

\- when a loud shot cut through the night.

The child fell down.

Another shot, somewhere behind him.

He turned around. The infected man lay motionless in front of a scared but living Arnold Cunningham. Another two shots and the two infected ones on the fence fell down. Then it got quiet.

All three of them turned around to look for the shooter.

„What is wrong with you?“ Poptarts yelled as he ran towards them from the building complex, his gun still in his hands. “Are you suicidal?” Angrily he pushed Kevin against his shoulder which almost caused him to fall over.

„It's already dead, it's not a child, you shoot it, end of story.“ He turned to Arnold. „Same goes for you, for fuck's sake. If you can't smash their heads with the baton but your life is threatened, you shoot.”

The shots in the night had woken up half the District. The guard groups from the nearby sections were the first to arrive. Everything happened in less than two minutes. Kevin stared at his shirt. It was full of dark blood from the girl. He tried not to freak out.

„What happened?“ someone asked. Other Elders were already busy checking the fence for weaknesses, others carried away the bodies and another group checked the area for other infected ones.

„It's my fault,“ McKinley said, arriving at the scene. „I was distracted.“ Poptarts gave him a disapproving look.

„Monson won't be happy,“ an older man said.

„I know. He'll get my report first thing in the morning,“ McKinley promised out of breath. It was protocol that after an attack, the group had to retreat to the doctor's office to get checked for possible wounds.

They were all silent, all four of them. Arnold kept on petting his friend's back, trying to make him feel better. Kevin's blood-stained shirt and his unusual silence had given Arnold away that it had troubled him severely. When they were alone in the empty corridor on their way to the doctor, Poptarts stopped them. His anger had vanished.

„I shouldn't have left,“ he said. „I'm sorry.“

„It wasn't your fault, Chris,“ McKinley said quietly, „like I said, I was careless and distracted.“

„We all were,“ Kevin added and Arnold lowered his head in agreement.

They shared a quiet moment, the first one after the attack.

„As you all know, I have to write a report about what happened,“ McKinley said hesitantly, „but if everyone agrees...“ He gave them a meaningful look.

„Yeah,“ Poptarts nodded. „That would safe our necks.“

It was one of those moments that didn't only change every single one of them but also shaped them as a group – how exactly only time could tell.

\--

„What did you want to ask me?“ McKinley whispered when he and Kevin were waiting in front of the doctor's office, leaning against the wall. Arnold had already been cleared and was on his way to his room and Poptarts was still inside.

„Oh, it's nothing, really,“ Kevin replied. In light of the fact that they had just been in a life-or-death-situation, he considered his question rather stupid.

„Humor me,“ McKinley insisted.

„I wanted to ask you if you want to be friends with me.“

„Oh,“ he simply said. Kevin waited for another response but McKinley kept staring at his feet.

„So?“

The Elder looked up and his eyes flickered between Kevin's.

„The question is still up?“ he asked, genuinely surprised.

„Well, yes.“

Before the Elder could answer, the door of the office opened and Poptarts appeared, giving them a thumps up.

„I'm good. Sleep well, Con. See ya, Kev,“ he said and waved them goodbye.

„You go next,“ Kevin said. He was sure the Elder didn't want to be friends with him. Why did he even ask? Now McKinley would have to ignore the question to make it not weird between them. More than it already was often enough. Kevin felt stupid and was more disappointed than he had expected.

McKinley nodded and walked up to the door and Kevin wanted to bang his head against the wall behind him. Then the Elder stopped and turned around, tense and nervous, an unusual shy smile on his face.

„My name's Connor, by the way.“

Kevin smiled back. He took it as a yes to his question.

Suddenly the black blood on his shirt didn’t even bother him anymore.


	5. An Almost Typical Day, Part 1

The weeks went by and slowly the new recruits got accustomed to their daily routine. One day blended into another, not much different than the one before.

Like this one, one and a half months after their arrival:

 

**06.30 am: Getting up.**

Poptarts was a morning crouch and relied on Kevin to wake him up at the latest possible time to still get showered and dressed before breakfast.

„Thanks Kevin, you're awesome,“ he yawned and turned around to the wall.

„Come on, you gotta get up,“ Kevin said and carefully shook Poptarts on his shoulders, „today's waffle day, you surely don't want to miss it.“

Even though Elder Thomas was a few months older than Kevin and the best Elder of the Special Forces unit, the latter felt somehow protective of the blond guy he shared a room with. He was a cheerful person with a constant optimistic heart which was a rarity these days. Even Arnold had his moody moments.

„Did you say waffles?“ he mumbled into his pillow.

„Indeed.“

Poptarts turned around to face him and opened one eye, his mouth twisted to a sleepy smile.

„I love waffles.“

„I know you do.“

**07.30 am: Breakfast in the canteen with all the others recruits.**

A few days after their arrival, it had become habit that Price, Cunningham, Zelder, Neeley and Davis sat together in the canteen, mostly because they were all in the same class. It took some time for them to get along, especially since Kevin and Arnold came from a District 2, and they still weren't exactly best friends but it was alright.

„I think my roommate's having an affair,” Zelder said like he was talking about the weather and bit into his waffle. „Sometimes he comes back way after curfew, hours after midnight. Or he leaves the room in the middle of the night. And when he returns, he's always showered, I can smell it.“

Kevin raised his eyebrows. „But Elder Church is Special Forces. Poptarts has also late or early trainings, that's normal.“

„No,“ Zelder said and put down his waffle, „listen, I checked his schedule and he does it even on days when he's supposed to stay in.“

„You should tell McKinley,“ Neeley suggested.

Kevin sighed and the others rolled their eyes. Neeley was probably already afraid to break a rule only by knowing about Elder Church's doings.

„McKinley's not his superior, doofus. And actually,“ Zelder continued and motioned them over the table to stick their heads closer together, „I think he's having an affair with him. With McKinley.“

„Whaaaat?“ Arnold squeaked. „He wouldn't! He can't! I would know! He always walks the line! He wouldn't break the rules. Especially not that one.“

„Something I should know?“ a voice said behind them.

Zelder and Kevin nearly banged their heads together when they looked up and found themselves staring at Elder McKinley who had appeared out of nowhere.

„Who breaks the rules?“ He clearly didn't mean it seriously, more like a teacher mocking his students but five shocked faces looked right back at him.

„Nobody, we were just--“ Davis stammered.

„-- talking about card games. Kevin cheats sometimes,“ Arnold explained with a straight face.

Kevin huffed indignantly. „I don't cheat!“

Zelder kicked him under the table.

„Ouuu- I mean, I won't do it again, uh, sorry?“

They all looked at Elder McKinley, waiting if he had swallowed their made-up story. His eyes scanned the five with a quizzical look.

„I didn't take you for someone who breaks rules, Price,“ McKinley said, „good to know.“

There was an awkward silence which lasted long enough for Kevin to blush slightly. Somehow he felt embarrassed. Though McKinley had accepted Kevin's friendship, they weren't exactly friends. Both of them had soon realized it was a label without a meaning. McKinley was still untouchable in a way – if only by being his lead instructor - and very reserved. The openness Kevin had felt during the night of the attack had already been vanished the next morning. If anything then the tension between them had reached a new level.

Maybe it had been the shock of the situation that had made McKinley offer him his first name. Kevin didn't even use it. In class it wasn't allowed and when he met him somewhere else, like during his visits with Arnold, he tried not to use his name at all.

It felt _weird_.

 _Kevin_ felt weird when McKinley was around. And he felt weird this morning, when he was blushing in his presence.

„I just wanted to tell you all that there's a change in the schedule. Self-defense will be at 11 am, shooting training will be at 2 pm, you start with first aid this morning. See you later.“

\--

„I still think he's the one,“ Zelder continued when McKinley was gone, „he's got something going on with Church, I feel it in my guts.“

„Can we please change the topic? That's none of our concern anyway,“ Kevin mumbled.

„Look at you, jealous? He was flirting with you after all. And not the first time.“ Zelder winked at him. „Or did Arnold shatter McKinley's image of Kevin Perfect Price?“

„Just shut up, would ya?“

McKinley hadn't flirted with him, ever. Or had he?

 

**8 am – 12 am: Classes.**

Their first class this morning was in fact more than simple first aid like learning the recovery position or how to apply bandages. It was everything from medicine to psychology in combat situations. They learned how to stich someone (Neeley almost fainted), how to distinguish a normal wound from an infected wound (Davis was the quickest), how to calm someone that was wounded (Arnold had the best bedside manner of all of them combined), how to keep a cool head (Kevin did good) in stressful situations (not really) that seemed to be hopeless (not at all) and find a way out (even Neeley had a better problem-solving approach but Zelder was the best).

\--

Another class was orientation and navigation. Map reading and the use of a compass was one of many things they needed to be able to do even in their sleepiest state and one of the lessons where Kevin could prove himself. He was glad that his remaining one-to-one lessons in interrogation techniques had been postponed to a later week. Those lessons were draining, harder even than a physical workout. It wasn't only conversation techniques. If the other wouldn't talk, he had to use force to make them talk. And there were a lot of possible ways...

Kevin tried to learn and do what his teacher demanded of him but he was glad it was only theory. He didn't know if he could actually do something like that to a person, a living person.

\--

„Why do we call it self-defense if it's actually just murdering? Why not call it killing training?“ Davis asked after he had brought down Neeley on an exercise mat and pretended to smash his brain with a baton - the only way to stop infected people.

„Good question,“ McKinley answered heavy-breathing. Kevin was busy twisting his arm around his back to render him immobile.

„Would you stop for a moment?“ he asked Kevin standing behind him. The recruit still felt weird about the moment at the breakfast table this morning and couldn't quite catch why. Holding McKinley like this, who was without a doubt responsible for Kevin's confusion, gave him back some sort of control.

„Say please.“

Since Kevin had realized that he was _really_ good at (most) of the subjects, his self-confidence tended to shoot over the top sometimes. Especially in Elder McKinley's class. Though they had themselves labeled as friends, their silent battle was still on. Kevin had taken his disparaging words 'you're one of a kind' and embraced them to prove that he was indeed one of a kind – in fact the best one. The first time he had thrown down their lead instructor, and he was the best close combat fighter after Poptarts, and had put his baton across his neck, watching the astonishment in his face, Kevin had dwelt on it _for days_. With the right motivation, he was a quick learner. And somehow Elder McKinley was a very good motivation.

„Price,“ the Elder growled, „I'm warning you.“ Kevin wanted to let him go, sure, just one more second – or maybe two – to savor this moment when suddenly--

„Uff.“

All the air had been drawn out of his lungs when he found himself on his back on the mat. With a smug smile McKinley put his knee onto Kevin's chest. It had happened so fast, Kevin didn't even know how he had done it.

„Wicked move, Connor,“ Arnold blurted out, as usual forgetting that he wasn't supposed to use his roommate’s first name during lesson.

McKinley leaned down to Kevin who had visibly a hard time breathing.

„Do not mess with me, Kevin Price,“ he whispered into his ear, stressing every syllable, „do you understand?“

The recruit gave a weak nod. Not only his back and lungs hurt but his pride had suffered severely. His instructor's physical shape might give the impression of someone with less strength than many other trained men but, by gosh, did he knew the right moves.

McKinley released him and got up to answer Davis' question. Kevin only listened with half an ear. He was busier deducting why he'd gotten goosebumps all of a sudden.

„Alright, why is it called self-defense?“

Kevin already knew the answer to McKinley's question but his own question was still open. He lay on the ground, leaned on his elbows and gasped for air while his eyes were checking out his instructor.

„You learn to defend yourselves from those who once were people like you and me. Back before the outbreak, attacking other humans without a reason was unlawful. If a person attacked you and your life or physical integrity was in danger and you reacted to the attack and hurt or even killed the person by doing so, then you were protected by the right of self-defense. This is the very short version.“

Brown-reddish hair, usual well-groomed but now messed up by fighting with Kevin. Slender. A nice face. He gesticulated in an elegant way. His smiles were kind of cute and whenever he laughed, which he rarely did, it was like he was laughing for the first time in his life.

Okay, he was easy on the eyes, Kevin admitted, no big deal. Also he was the smartest person he’d met so far. His posture was always accurate. His body was never crouched but also never relaxed. The tenseness was a part of him. Kevin wondered what had made him that way. They all had their stories so what was McKinley's?

„Since the government and the jury have decided that the infected people are still considered human and not a new species or animal, attacking them without reason is basically against the former law. So,“ he said, stroking his arm and Kevin was a tiny bit pleased that it still hurt him, „basically it's a legal thing. It's not an act of murder but approved self-defense. People wrote _essays_ about this topic so, by all means, go ask your society teacher about it. Time's up anyway, see you after lunch.“

He turned to Kevin while the others were packing away the mats and batons.

„You okay, Kevin?“ McKinley kneeled down beside him and put a hand on Kevin's chest. There was genuine concern in his voice. „Any trouble breathing?“

Any other time Kevin would have huffed ' _I'm fine'_ and pushed away his hand but he was very close to realizing something that was indeed more confusing than he had thought.

„No, I'm okay“, he said very softly. Wow, McKinley's eyes, they were...blue. And there were little freckles on his face one could only see up close and he wanted to look at every single one of them. „You are...“

It was nice to feel McKinley's hand on his chest. It made breathing easier.

„I’m what? Is something wrong?“ McKinley leaned closer down to him, looking into his eyes in search for an indication of a concussion. „I didn't have the impression I hit you _that_ hard.“

„I am...“ If Kevin leaned forward now, only a bit, he could catch McKinley's lips with his own.

„OH.“

The penny dropped and woke up an armada of butterflies in Kevin's stomach.

Frantically he got up, almost pushing McKinley away.

„I am fine, I really am,“ he insisted, suddenly all nervous. „You, you threw me good, that's all.“

The Elder eyed him skeptically. He took a step towards him but Kevin stepped back and raised his hands.

„Really, it's nothing.“

„If you're not feeling well, please see the doctor,“ McKinley said with irritation. It was weird how he could be strict and almost fearsome, strong and rough, ambitious and determined, playful and teasing, and worried and kind, depending on the situation. Kevin had never realized it but Connor McKinley was – just wow? He didn't know whether he wanted to be like him or simply _wanted him._

„Um, yea, sure,“ he said and basically bolted through the door, following the others into the locker room.

Kevin didn't feel well but not because he'd been thrown hard to the ground but because, shit, he just realized that he might have a crush on his lead instructor.

 

**12 – 2 pm: Lunch in the canteen.**

Maybe it wasn't _quite_ a typical day. Kevin was barely hungry but he knew he had to eat after the training. The canteen was crowded at this time. Pretty much everyone from staff to teacher, instructor, Elder and recruit was here. At least he couldn't spot McKinley anywhere.

Arnold had offered to bring him a plate of pasta after Kevin had told him he wasn't feeling that well.

„Maybe you _should_ see the doctor,“ Arnold had said but Kevin shook his head.

„Nah, it's nothing.“

He was sitting alone at the table and waited for the others to return with their food. Did he really have a crush on McKinley? On – Connor? It was very hard for him to tell. It was definitely some news he had to process. Although Kevin had never been in love before, he knew that it wasn't love he was feeling. He barely even knew him. It was more of a longing. He _wanted_ him. The thought alone made him blush.

But how did he want him? Sexually? Kevin buried his head into his hands. Gosh, he didn't know. Maybe? He pushed that thought aside. Small steps, Kevin.

He did want to _kiss_ him, that's for sure. Yes, to press his lips on Connor's, just--

No.

He wanted to push him against a wall and kiss him, kiss the _crap out of him._ Gosh, suddenly Kevin was annoyed by thinking about it, maybe even aggressive – no – not about the kissing, but about the Elder. McKinley would be all tense, he was _always_ tense. The tenseness made him aggressive. McKinley made him aggressive. Double gosh. He hated McKinley's tenseness more than being falsely accused of cheating in a card game. And he hated how much it confused him.

„That doesn't make any sense,“ he mumbled into his hands. How could he want to kiss him and yell at him at the same time?

„Here's your pasta,“ Arnold said and put a plate in front of him.

„Thanks.“ With a fork he picked at his food. Soon the others followed and he was glad that they took his mind off his new problem.

 

**2 pm – Shooting training with the substitute teacher.**

Their main teacher for shooting training was on an important mission so Elder McKinley had undertaken his class a week ago. Kevin liked the training.

Unlocking, aiming, shooting: simple but precise instructions. You hit or you miss.

The electronic weapons didn't make a sound. The target was connected to a computer and could tell exactly where the shot had hit. Everyone except McKinley wore headphones – not, like in the old days, to muffle the sound of the shot but to _make_ a sound. Muffled still, but hearable. When using real weapons without headphones on a proper mission, the recruits had to expect a noise.

„Price, stop standing about and start shooting,“ the Elder told him, his voice quieter but clearly audible through the headphones.

Kevin pulled himself together and aimed. He'd been distracted again. His thoughts continued on revolving around the feeling towards his instructor. Wasn't it somewhat unlawful? A recruit and an instructor? But the thought alone was not, right? And besides they were only one year of age apart. Soon enough Kevin would be an Elder himself. And did McKinley really flirt with him? He'd always thought his instructor disliked him as much as Kevin thought to dislike his instructor. It was weird.

„You're standing all wrong, Price!“ McKinley put his hands on Kevin's hips to turn them in the right position. He was standing very close behind the recruit. The backside of his neck began to tingle.

If Kevin hadn't been sure whether he thought about him in a sexual way or not, he was now sure that, well, _he did_. So much for taking small steps.

„Where's your other hand? We're shooting with two hands, you're not a fucking cowboy.“

„I know, I wasn't ready yet,“ Kevin talked back in an annoyed undertone. The longer this day went, the more he was on edge. And McKinley touching him didn't exactly improve the situation. Somehow it made him angry that this good smelling bastard made him feel that way, especially because it had started to affect his training results.

„Then _get_ ready,“ he demanded and Kevin aimed, still feeling his hands on his body. „What are you doing with your hands? Price, what's the matter? Look at the angle of how you're holding the gun.“

Kevin corrected his hands, aimed, shot and -

„Well, if you want to keep the population of the infected ones intact, then congratulations, mission accomplished,“ McKinley commented his off-target shot with a snide remark.

„You're distracting me!“ Kevin snapped, turned around and threw down his headphones. „For fuck's sake, Connor, would you just SHUT THE HELL UP and leave me alone?“

In the corner of his eye Kevin could see the others staring at them. Arnold shaped an o with his mouth, too surprised to say a word, and Zelder imitated very audibly the hissing of a cat.

For a splinter of a second Kevin thought to see hurt in McKinley's eyes and felt sorry. But the instructor brought his face under control fast enough to make him doubt it.

„Give me your gun,“ he said calmly but strict, „your training's done for today.“

Kevin cursed. If this went to his record, he was screwed.

1\. Shouting 2. at an instructor 3. using his first name 4. with a gun in his hand, fake or not, it doesn't matter.

„Your gun,“ McKinley repeated impatiently.

„But-“

„And then leave.“

„Elder, I'm sorr-“

„GET LOST, THAT'S A FUCKING ORDER, PRICE!“

They had never heard McKinley yelling before. Even McKinley looked freaked about what he'd done. Besides they were outside, where yelling was the last thing one did. A group of Special Force recruits that had been jogging along were staring at them from a distance.

Kevin pushed the gun into McKinley's hands and walked furiously back to his dorm.


	6. An Almost Typical Day, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be warned, there will be smut.

**5 pm – One-to-one lesson self-defense.**

Kevin had left the shooting training almost one hour earlier than planned and spent the time alone in his room. Two hours to literally freak out until his one-to-one lesson with McKinley was scheduled.

If he even showed up. Who knew?

He had screwed up, that's what Kevin kept telling himself. And the worst part was that the Elder had been right all along. He had been the one who had told them to keep their blood in their heads and not in their hearts (in a romantically way) or their cocks (in a sexually way).

And now Kevin didn’t know which way the blood in his veins went the most.

He tried to read some papers but couldn't concentrate on a single word. After reading the same passage about gun cleaning over and over, he gave up. What if McKinley told Monson about his behavior? Would he be excluded from the top secret mission, his only chance to District Orlando?

With a disquieting feeling in his stomach he made his way to the gym. At least he wanted to be on time when he got kicked out.

\--

It took a load off Kevin's mind to see McKinley's clothes in the locker room. He wouldn't be here if Kevin had been expelled, would he? Quickly he slipped into his white shirt and the sweats and stepped into the hall.

McKinley sat on the vaulting box as usual and read some papers, most likely a lesson plan. The mat already lay in the middle of the gym. Kevin cleared his throat and his instructor looked up.

„You're here,“ Kevin said with relief and bit on his lips right after. He didn't mean to sound that desperate.

McKinley frowned at him. „Why wouldn't I be?“ His voice was completely normal, like nothing had happened two hours before. Only his slightly nervous eyes gave away that he was struggling with the situation as well.

„Elder McKinley, I am sorry about before. I had a bad day, that's all.“

Every part of Kevin hated to apologize but he needed to be sure that this situation wouldn't break his neck in the future.

McKinley eyed him from his upper position.

„That's an understatement,“ he said and jumped down. With a few quick steps he faced the recruit. „Price, you're a pain in the ass. You--“

„I beg your pardon!“ Kevin said. Goodbye to his will to apologize.

„Let me finish,“ McKinley said in an angry tone, „you constantly question my authority or make a fool out of me in front of the class. Maybe it's my fault because I accepted it because--“

He shook his head as if he was angry about himself.

„I know we had a bad start, but _get over it_. The LDS is against the use of a drill instructor but,“ he huffed, „you're a textbook example why one is needed.“

There was a short moment of silence.

„Can we get started with the training? I'm here to _learn_ something, Elder,“ Kevin said cockily. He had the feeling that there wasn’t much to lose anymore.

The answer came promptly as a move of McKinley who kicked against Kevin's legs to make him fall down on his knees. Even through the mat it hurt slightly.

„Okay, freestyle lesson. Do whatever you feel like,“ McKinley told him, „I think we both need it.“

Kevin looked up to him. „Oh, you have no idea.“

He punched in the back of McKinley's knees which make him stumble. Without any hesitation the recruit brought him down on his back and was on him, ready to pin him down, but the instructor was quick and strong. He pushed him aside, rolled away, got up again and stood again in the standard defense position in front of him. Kevin marveled at his ability to move his body so smoothly.

„Nice try,“ McKinley said, „but nice is also my afternoon nap.“

He didn't hold back that he enjoyed provoking the recruit, to push him to his limits.

„Does your grandmother write your trash talk?“

„She's dead.“

„Oh, I'm sorry.“

His reply was a pure automatism. Kevin felt awkward and didn't move and that was his mistake when he got thrown down on his side, McKinley holding him so tight he couldn't move.

„You're too easily distracted, Price, stop holding back. And for the record, I never knew my grandmother.“ He let him go and they were facing each other again.

Restless as ever Kevin went for another attack. They struggled with each other, McKinley blocking him, Kevin trying to find another way to get to him, but after a short time the recruit found himself in a headlock.

„I yield,“ Kevin panted and raised a hand.

„You must do a lot better than that, Kevin Price,“ McKinley said and let him go.

The lesson went on and on.

Just after the redhead had announced the last few minutes, Kevin had his moment.

He wasn't sure if McKinley had been simply tired or if Kevin really had been _that_ good but somehow he had managed to pin down his instructor. With half his body Kevin lay on top of him, careful not to get hit by McKinley's kicking feet or knees. His hands were holding down the instructor's wrists next to his head on the mat. He felt him struggle, trying to find a way out. Then the kicking and struggling stopped.

„There are no clever moves that can help you now, _Connor_ ,“ Kevin breathed, using his first name as a sign of victory.

Physically he was completely exhausted, they both were. But it felt _so good_. Feeling the exhausted and less tense body of McKinley under him made him relaxed and excited at the same time. Looking at the Elder with sweat on his forehead, breathing heavily with parted lips, the heat of his body radiating under his own, he wanted to record this moment and rewind it whenever he felt like it.

„No clever moves?“ McKinley said breathlessly. „I tell you something. Come closer.“

Kevin should have known better, probably he did, but the offer was too appealing. He leaned forward to put his ear closer to his mouth.

„There are always clever moves,“ the Elder whispered, „you just never learned them.“

And then McKinley bit into Kevin's neck that was right in front of him. That fact that Kevin immediately eased his grip wasn't even the most surprising thing to happen – it was Kevin's moan.

It wasn't loud but since his head had been just above McKinley's, the latter could hear it very clearly. Kevin definitely hadn't been prepared for the bite and even less for the effect on him. He felt blood rushing through parts of his body that shouldn’t be active in this moment. 

The Elder didn't even have to push Kevin away like he had intended to, no, the recruit crawled back and fell down on the mat, sitting on his butt, looking confused and embarrassed. He put his hand on his neck where McKinley had bit him and stared at his feet.

It hadn't been a moan of pain and they both knew it.

McKinley sat up in front of him. Carefully Kevin made eye contact with his instructor. With Connor. His pupils were as dilated as Kevin's and they both stared at each other while catching their breaths. Kevin couldn’t tell which one of them felt more awkward. Somehow his lead instructor Elder McKinley had turned to Connor – just someone his own age he...liked.

Like, really.

Like, _a lot._

„Um,“ Connor hummed after a while, „you should always expect the unexpected. That's probably the summary of this lesson.“

Kevin gave a nod.

„We'll be late for dinner, let's go, Price.“

The atmosphere in the locker room was charged. They were alone, on opposite benches. Connor McKinley was facing the wall when he started to get undressed. Showering after training was mandatory but right now, Kevin didn't know if he could do it. He looked at the naked skin of Connor's back in front of him. Freckles and a few light bruises.

He couldn't stop thinking about the bite. He wanted it again. He wanted _Connor_. But by gosh, he couldn't get naked to shower while having, well, a display of his arousal between his legs.

Kevin hadn't even lost his shirt when the Elder turned around, wearing only his shorts.

„Price? Come on.“

Kevin's tendency to freeze in stressful moments struck again. The situation couldn't possibly get more awkward.

„It happens, alright? I took you off guard,“ Connor said. The tone of his voice was soft and unusual unconfident, like he was still unsure of how to comment on it.

„Just, you know,“ he added and raised a corner of his mouth to a weak smile, „take care of it. Okay?“

Say something, a part of Kevin thought; say something and it would be like before, forgotten and fine.

But Kevin said nothing.

„You know how to do it, right?“

It was supposed to sound funny, to bring them back on their well-known course between teasing, provoking and a spoonful of respect. But Kevin didn't react to it like Connor had expected, hell, not even like Kevin himself had expected.

He shrugged his shoulders but kept his eyes fixed on his instructor and then he shook his head.

Said part of Kevin opened its eyes wide in sheer panic.

„What – do you need advice, help?“ the Elder asked irritated.

The recruit tilted his head slightly. The terrified part of Kevin ran away screaming.

He didn’t want to look at Connor’s almost naked body, he had tried to keep his eyes locked on the beautiful blue ones in front of him but suddenly it was like he hadn’t got any control anymore.

Shamelessly he started to check out Connor's body, his eyes wandering over his chest, his belly, his crouch, his legs and the same way up again. No, Kevin didn't know what he was doing but he couldn't stop. And when he saw a glint in Connor’s eyes, he didn't _want_ to stop either.

Slowly the Elder took a few steps towards Kevin, stopping right in front of him.

„Do you? Do you need - something?“ he breathed and lightly touched Kevin’s hip. It was only a small touch but in combination with the question and the situation, Kevin knew only one answer.

„Yeah,“ he said with a husky voice. He didn’t know what exactly he needed; just that it involved the person in front of him being as close as possible.

He took a sharp breath when he felt Connor's hand moving towards his crouch. Through the sweat pants it was easy to feel Kevin's erection and therefore easy to feel Connor’s hand softly touching him where no one else had ever touched him like that before.

Connor's face got closer to his, his eyes wide open, and Kevin suppressed the urge to kiss him right away.

„Then get undressed.“

With these words he turned around, got rid of his underpants and walked into the shower area without glancing back.

Kevin took a moment to lean back his head against the locker behind him, taking some deep breaths. Gosh, was this really happening? Everything happened so fast, Kevin felt like the world was suddenly spinning in a different direction. He had just learned that he had a crush on McKinley – subconsciously already for a few weeks - and now he basically got an invitation to have sex with him. Damn, he was scared, but damn, he wanted it – _him_.

Clumsily he got undressed and followed his instructor. His instructor! He tried not to think about it...though...it wasn't necessary a thought that repelled him. Connor was the smartest person Kevin had ever met and that was definitely a turn on.

There were over twenty shower stalls in the bathroom, only separated by walls, and just a handful had shower curtains. Exactly behind one in a corner was Connor; the water was already running. Kevin couldn't exactly knock on a curtain so he pushed it slowly aside.

He had seen Connor naked countless times before but never in this context. And it made a huge difference.

„In or out?“ he asked. Kevin stopped staring at his body and got in.

The redhead took his hand and pulled him under the shower head. The warm water poured down from above but Kevin barely felt it. Some drops trickled down from Connor's nose when he put his hands on Kevin's hips.

„A few things first,“ he said, „you don't tell anyone or we get into trouble. Especially not Arnold.“

„I won't.“

„You don't make stupid hints when we're together in public.“

„Alright.“

„No kissing on the lips.“

„What?“ Kevin was taken aback. That was the first thing that came into his mind when he thought about his instructor: the urge to kiss him.

„No feelings, no kissing on the lips. This is just sex.“

„No kissing?“

McKinley gave him a strange look. „On the lips, yeah, that's one of my terms. Kissing leads to feelings and this is not the right place or time for relationships of that kind. Is it a deal breaker for you?“

„No,“ Kevin shook his head and tried to ignore how formal McKinley had sound, „it's just strange. But it's okay, I guess.“

In fact he wasn't sure if he was okay with it. But if it was a condition he had to accept to be close to him, he felt that he had no other choice.

He didn't have time to think about it any further anyway because Connor's hands on his hips pulled him closer.

„Good.“

Their bodies touched. Connor fixed his eyes on Kevin's and started to stroke his shoulders and chest like he wanted to watch how the recruit reacted to him.

„I-- I've never done this before,“ Kevin admitted, trying to hide his great nervousness. His self-confidence from before was gone. Since he was sure that Connor would notice his inexperience, honesty was the only option he could think of.

Connor raised his eyebrows but smiled. „I thought so. I think we should figure out what you like.“ He put Kevin's hands on his waist. „Just follow my lead.“

„You're my lead instructor after all,“ Kevin joked lamely.

„Don't,“ Connor frowned, „don't remind me of that.“ They stopped talking and Kevin enjoyed the warm hands wandering over his body and his hands touching Connor, the warm water caressing their bodies additionally. With every passing second he relaxed more. But whenever their eyes met, a sudden heat rushed through his body.

After a short while Kevin felt a light push on his shoulders. Since he was a bit taller than Connor, he followed the request and leaned forward. Connor put his lips around the bite mark he had left on the recruit’s neck. A moan slipped Kevin's mouth when he felt a tongue circling around it, reminding him of the pain he had felt.

„Gosh,“ he breathed.

„You like that?“

„A lot.“

Connor continued.  Kevin could feel that he was enjoying too, whenever his erection rubbed against his own and he could feel the Elder’s breath in his ear. Soon Kevin’s arousal became unbearable. His hands traced down Connor's back, first gently than impatiently pushing him further against himself. Connor got the not very subtle hint; with some determination and not less elegant than during their self-defense lessons he pushed Kevin back.

„Gosh, this is cold,“ Kevin winced when he touched the cold wall behind him. Observing Kevin's face, Connor let his hand slide down until he carefully wrapped his hand around the other's cock.

„You'll get warm, I promise,“ Connor said with a smile.

When he started to stroke it softly, another moan escaped Kevin's mouth and he let his head fall down on Connor's shoulder. For a moment he wondered how Connor could be so confident right now when he felt like he was about to fall into pieces any second.

Kevin felt Connor’s mouth back on his shoulder. When the Elder's teeth started to touch his skin, the recruit shifted his head, giving him more space and the invitation to continue – forever, if it was up to him. Less biting, more touching, and Kevin already longed for more. More of everything.

His fingers wandered down to touch Connor's cock. He'd never touched another man like this before and for a moment it felt weird. Then he tightened his grip and felt it pulsing in his hand and Connor’s moan next to his ear made his body tingle.

„No,“ Connor breathed and gently pushed away his hand, „I owe you this and I definitely cannot concentrate if you’re doing this right now.“ Kevin wanted to complain but he was too overwhelmed.

The redhead took his time to play with his teeth on Kevin's shoulder and neck, sometimes softer, sometimes harder, and Kevin's breathing consistently got heavier. With closed eyes he leaned against Connor, feeling his hand on his cock, the pressure of his grip depending on the intensity of his teasing teeth.

“Do you still like it?” Connor asked and bit into his lobe.

Kevin couldn’t say anything so he just nodded.

He felt a strange combination of detachment and full consciousness of his body.

A soft hand caressing his back, gently and slow. Teeth in his skin, in the sensitive place between shoulder and neck, hard but careful, that gave him goosebumps and a light pain that made him feel like Connor wanted him as much as he wanted him. He opened his eyes and looked down between their bodies. Connor's gentle and determined hand on his cock, stroking it in a way that soon would make him fall apart. He had to avert his gaze for the sight made him almost come.

When he looked to the side he could only see a part of Connor's flushed cheek, his neck and his wet hair but he thought it was the most exciting picture he'd ever seen.

Connor had only said no kissing on the lips, not kissing in general, so Kevin didn’t hesitate and pressed his lips against the side of his neck. Carefully he placed kiss after kiss on the Elder's skin. He felt so much right now, he needed to release his feelings in more than the way Connor was about to make him soon enough.

Goosebumps appeared on the redhead's freckled skin and he breathed a sigh of pleasure. Kevin’s kisses made Connor moan almost as much as Connor’s bites did to Kevin.

„I'm close,“ Kevin breathed after a short time, „please, stop.“ It took all his force of will to say those words but his initial intention had been to make Connor less tense. To make him fall apart. And now he was the one feeling everything everywhere at once.

„Make me,“ Connor whispered into his ear but slowed his tempo a bit. Kevin put his forehead against the redhead's shoulder, powerless. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't.

„But – you?“ Kevin managed to ask, feeling slightly bad not being able to do the same for the Elder right now.

„Oh, I enjoy this, don't you worry,“ he said amused and bit softly in his lobe, „and we don't have much time now.“ His lips and teeth got back to Kevin's neck, teasing him with soft bites. „But you can return the favor someday if you want to.“

„I want to,“ Kevin moaned, and he wanted it so badly, wanted _him_ so badly. Being even closer than right now, feeling even more than his hands on him. He turned his head to Connor's ear.

„I want you.”

His lips traced over the Elder's neck, kissing him in the sensible area as much as he wanted to kiss him on his lips. The strokes of Connor's hand around his cock got more forcefully as if the Elder needed it as much as Kevin.

Kevin felt that he couldn't last any longer. He pressed his forehead hard against Connor's shoulder and put a hand in the wet ginger hair, pushing the Elder’s head against his neck, wishing he was even closer, thinking about what he wanted to do with him.

„Oh, gosh, Connor, I--“ Kevin felt teeth in his skin when he came with a load moan. A shiver went through his body and his legs became weak as jelly.

The Elder led him through his orgasm with slow and soft strokes, his lips simply resting on the recruit's shoulder. They stood like this for a few moments and Kevin tried to wrap his mind about what just had happened. He didn't quite know what to do. His whole body was still tingling, Connor was still close to him and he didn't want to break the embrace.

When he planted another kiss on the Elder's neck, the latter stepped away from him. Connor's face and lips were flushed, his pupils dilated and black as the night and Kevin wondered if he'd been responsible for that. Something in his stomach fluttered nervously.

He thought about saying thank you but it would be weird and not appropriate so he just kept on leaning against the wall, looking at Connor and waiting.

„You need to go, you're already late for dinner,“ the redhead said, still out of breath, and Kevin thought he looked beautiful, „and we shouldn't enter the canteen at the same time.“

„But...what about you?“ Kevin repeated his question from before, now with a clearer head. „I don't need any dinner.“

The hesitation in Connor's answer showed him how tempted he was.

„Another time.“

With two steps Kevin closed the distance between them and put his hands on Connor's hips. „Tomorrow? Same time?“ he asked.

„Works for me.“

Kevin was about to turn around but stopped, looking at the Elder's lips.

„Connor?“ He felt like it was the first time he _really_ used his first name.

„Yes, Kevin?“

„You're sure I can't kiss you? I mean, on your lips?“ he asked quietly and looked embarrassed.

„I'm sure.“ Connor said though his body language told another story.

His blue eyes flickered between Kevin's eyes and his lips and his hands suddenly clutched Kevin's wrists. If Kevin hadn't been so aware of their bodies at this moment, he would have missed that Connor had pulled him towards him, even if it had been less than an inch.

It was driving him slightly insane.

„Okay,“ he said though and Connor withdrew his hands. Kevin thought about giving him a kiss on the cheek instead but it would feel childish so he didn't.

„Then, I guess I better go?“

„You better.“

„See you later.“

With a last glance at each other and a smile they parted. Kevin took off to get changed and Connor stayed a few more minutes in the shower to keep him a head start.

 

**7 pm – Kevin's room.**

Kevin had skipped dinner. He hadn't been in the mood to talk to anyone. He was tired, exhausted, confused, overwhelmed and already aroused again at the thought to see McKinley again. No, Connor. Calling him with his last name after they had sex sounded wrong.

He was sitting on his bed with closed eyes and the mental image of Connor's face in his mind and the thought of Connor being alone in the shower after he had left it when Poptarts entered after dinner time.

„Hey, where have you been?“

„Oh, I don't feel well,“ he lied. It seemed to be his catch phrase today.

„Yeah, Arnold already said so. Anyway,“ he said and handed him a small lunch box, „here's some bread with cheese, in case you feel hungry later.“

„Thank you!“ Kevin was indeed hungry as a wolf after the action of the day.

„Anytime, Kev. Listen, I got scheduled for another training mission this night. I'll be back in the early morning.“

„Okay, have fun!“ He couldn't wait to be alone and let his thoughts go back to Connor, to rewind what had happened during the last hours.

„You should get some rest, you look deathly tired.“

„I am and I will,“ Kevin said and turned around to hide his smile.

 

**10 pm – Bed time.**

After Poptarts had left, Kevin had hoped Connor would turn up by some magic. He was about to be alone until the morning. They would have a bed and enough time. But of course he didn't turn up.

Restlessly he rolled on his back. He hadn't believed that he would actually get that desperate and careless when thinking of a chance to have sex _with Connor_ and waiting until tomorrow? It was almost absurd how impossible it felt to wait that long.

Ten minutes later he found himself in front of his room, ready to do something rather stupid. With a thought on Elder Church's first words to him, he carefully made his way to the other dorm. Since a part of the recruits and Elders were on a training mission, it was unusually quiet. Luckily no guard was inside the building complex since the protection of the border was more important at night.

Before knocking on room 52's door he took a minute to make up a story for Arnold why he had to see Elder McKinley at this time of night. He had just raised his hand to knock when the door next to the room opened. Kevin made a jump and the other person as well.

It was Connor, just coming out of the small bathroom, wearing his pajamas.

His eyes widened and he looked around to check if anyone else was nearby.

„Are you out of your mind?“ he hissed when he was sure they were alone, trying to keep his angry voice as quiet as possible. „What are you doing here?“

„Poptarts is out until morning,“ Kevin whispered. „I thought we could, you know...“

Suddenly he regretted his overhasty plan to lure his instructor back to his room to have sex with him the whole night – as good as it had sounded when he had thought about it.

„Fuck,“ Connor cursed and put a hand on his own neck, staring at the ceiling.

„Yeah, that's what I thought,“ Kevin said grinning.

The Elder clapped softly against Kevin's belly. „That's not funny and definitely not what I meant.“

Nevertheless Kevin's hope was still up. His instructor hadn't sent him away so far.

„Just tell Arnold you would join the training mission last minute or whatever,“ he proposed.

„He _knows_ I'm not scheduled for the training,“ Connor said doubtfully. „I shouldn't even have this talk with you right now. I'm your lead instructor, dammit. I feel like I'm taking advantage of you.“

„Not nearly enough,“ Kevin said with a suggestive tone.

„Stop it,“ his instructor growled. „You can't just appear in front of my room after curfew. Go to bed, Price.“

„They already think you have an affair with Church, you could roll with it.“

„They what?“ the Elder said in disbelief. „Church? Who said that?“

„Zelder did.“

„This damn fool. Church has an affair but obviously not with me. He's not even my type.“

Though Kevin had already suspected the rumor to be wrong he was more than relieved to hear Connor confirm it. And to hear that Church wasn't his type, wow, did _things_ to him – so Kevin had to be his type, right?

„Oh come on,“ Kevin said and stepped closer, feeling a boost of confidence, „let me return the favor.“ He put his fingers on Connor's waistband. The Elder glanced nervously around. „We have the room all for ourselves.“

„This is not a good idea.“

„Do you want me to go down on you right here?“

With a sudden move Connor put his hands on Kevin's shoulders. For a second the recruit thought he would get pushed down on his knees  - and gosh, he wouldn't have mind, not at all, his body told him quite the opposite - but instead the Elder pushed him gently away.

„Are you out of your mind, be quiet!“ A light shade of red appeared on his cheeks and he visibly tried to collect himself.

„Back to your room, Price,“ he said, the tone of his voice an audible contradiction to his words.

„Do you want me to beg?“ Kevin knew he just had lost the last piece of dignity he had ever had but right now he didn't care and he didn't need his dignity anyway if he could only feel Connor's body on his own. „I'll do anything.“

Connor leaned against the closed bathroom door and let his eyes roam the corridor, trying to get a clear thought.

„Price, can't you just go? You're giving me a hard time here,“ he said almost desperately.

„Are you saying these things on purpose?“

It took a second for Connor to get what Kevin meant but then he chuckled deeply. The recruit's heart fluttered at the sound of it and even more when he saw the grin on the Elder's face.

Though the sexual tension of the situation had suffered due to Kevin's joke, he still felt warm and fuzzy when McKinley had finally sent him away. Their date – was it a date? -  after the training the next day was still on, so he just had to be a little bit more patient.


	7. Ups And Downs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: some smut and a suicide attempt with a gun

Two weeks later, and two months after his arrival at Provo, Kevin found himself on top of Connor. Somehow it had become a regular thing that they tended to lose their clothes during their one-to-one lesson in the late afternoon every one or two days. One time even on the mat in the middle of the empty gym because they couldn't make it to the equipment room or the shower. But sometimes the schedule changed and they couldn't help themselves but to meet after curfew.

This time it was after 10 pm. At least they had managed to _pretend_ to be reasonable by hiding between vaulting boxes, mats and other training equipment in the extra room inside the gym. Not that they expected anyone to find them. Poptarts should be on his way to a training mission and Arnold, well, their lead instructor had pretended to have some very urgent business with the director.

Again.

As much as Kevin loved the sex, it nagged at him that he couldn't kiss Connor. He thought about how unfair it was that he obviously felt more for the Elder than vice versa. If no kissing meant no feelings, than Kevin felt ripped off. Maybe it worked for Connor. He didn't know. He didn't ask. In fact he didn't want to know.

Instead he kissed him everywhere else he could get his lips on. His lips wandered from Connor's neck over his shoulder, passionate French kisses, licking at all the sensible spots that made the Elder sigh with pleasure, down to his chest, soft kisses barely touching his skin, over his belly, only his tongue licking its way further down--

Connor's moan whenever Kevin wrapped his lips around his cock made Kevin shudder himself. The way the Elder relaxed when he took his time to tease him with his lips, tongue and hands was pure pleasure for Kevin's headspace. He had noticed that Connor had become less tense in general, not only when they were alone together.

They didn't talk much, mostly because they were occupied by breathing heavily, and after they were done, the instructor often insisted on continuing the training, no matter how tired they were.

There had been some few moments in the last two weeks when they had spent the whole hour of their scheduled training in the equipment room; simple lying next to each other after having sex, dozing off until one of them woke up cursing that they were late again for dinner. And there also had been moments when they had actually talked to each other - nothing about their sexual preferences on that certain day but a genuine conversation about their lives.

Connor never said anything about his life before he got to the LDS but he had shared some stories of drunken Elders at the parties he had organized that made Kevin laugh. Or he had told him some new gossip of the staff. Kevin had never expected him to be funny but in this relaxed setting he had learned a lot more about the Elder. Kevin on the other hand had told him about his family and was surprised that Connor asked him further questions about them. One day he had brought along a photo of the Price family and showed it to him – and their training hour was over before they even got undressed.

Kevin would never admit it but these talks were the substitute for the kisses he longed for. Every personal question Connor asked was like a kiss.

 

„Did you hear that?“ Connor asked and put a hand on Kevin’s head to stop him from whatever he was doing south of the Elder’s bellybutton.

Kevin withdrew, sat up on his knees and listened. Someone was shouting. Quickly they put on their clothes. Connor was quicker and already out of the door when Kevin started to follow him. The gym was empty so he ran right into the locker room.

„Arnold, what happened?“ McKinley asked the upset recruit who stood in the middle of the room. He was holding a letter in his hand and was completely beside himself, stammering something about _Poptarts_ and _a letter_ and _missing_.

„Hey buddy,“ Kevin said and put a hand on Arnold's back, „calm down, okay?“

Arnold pushed the letter into his hands. Kevin began to read it; the Elder standing behind him also glanced over the few words.

„Shit,“ was all Connor said. „Shit. Fuck Monson, he should have told me first. Wasn't Chris supposed to be on a training mission?“

„Yeah, but he was told to stay put last minute. Monson gave him the letter and thought Kevin would be back any second and then he knocked on my door asking for you,“ Arnold shrugged his shoulders, „I thought you _were_ with Monson so I made something up.“

„What did you say?“ Connor asked terrified.

„I said you had the flu and were in the bathroom throwing up your guts.“ Arnold's eyes flickered between his roommate and Kevin. „Why are you here? Both of you?“

„Private training“ Connor said quickly, „where is he now?“

„That's my point, I went to his room but he was gone.“

„Shit,“ the Elder hissed, „we need to find him. We have to find him as fast as possible without drawing any attention. He will never forgive himself if he does anything stupid. I hope he won't...“ His voice faded away.

„He won't,“ Kevin said and put a hand on Connor's arm. „We will find him.“

„But where do we start? And what if he...?“ Arnold didn't finish his sentence but they knew that he wanted to say the same as Connor.

„Okay, we check the rooms again. You,“ Kevin looked at Arnold, „check your room again. Maybe he's looking for McKinley. I'll check our room.“

„Right. Be sure to check the bathrooms next to the rooms, too. I have a look at the staff corridor. We meet back at room 5 as soon as we're done.“ They all nodded and went their ways.

\--

Kevin waited in his empty room, sitting on his bed. Poptarts' clothes were still in the drawer so he didn't run away. It had been one of their biggest fears. That he had climbed up the fence that marks the border to make his way home through the no-man's-land. His home district was only fifty miles away. The LDS wouldn't allow him to use a bus or even a helicopter. The other big fear...he didn't even want to think about that.

He reread the letter in his hands.

_„Dear Elder Thomas,_

_I regret to inform you that your sister Sarah died of infection last night._

_In the enclosure you will find a letter from her foster family._

_My deepest condolences,_

_Thomas Monson,_

_Director of the Latter-Day Saints organization.“_

Obviously the other letter was with Poptarts. Kevin wondered what had happened to his sister. How it had happened. According to the loud footsteps in the corridor, Kevin expected Arnold to enter the room but it was Connor, apparently not caring about any noise.

„He's not here,“ Kevin said, „or in the bathroom.“

„And not in the staff corridor. They locked it today and I know he doesn't have a key.“ The Elder sat down next to him. „I bet he's not in my room as well. So what now?“

„He left his equipment and clothes here,“ Kevin said and Connor breathed out in relief but then tensed.

„Wait. Did he leave his gun as well?“

„He has a gun?“ Kevin asked. „We're not allowed to have--“

„He's Special Forces, they are allowed to have guns but the recruits aren't supposed to know about it,“ Connor explained and kneeled in front of Poptarts' bed. „In case of an attack, you know.“

Blindly he fumbled under the slatted frame of the bed. Then he froze. With horror in his eyes he looked at Kevin.

„The gun is gone.“

They heard loud steps and Arnold bolted into the room, a blanket in his hands.

„Didn't find him but came across Zelder when he heard me,“ he told them out of breath and closed the door. „He saw him outside on his way to the gym.“

„That doesn't make any sense,“ McKinley shouted angrily and stepped up towards Arnold who shrank a few inches, „we just came this way, we would have seen him!“

„Shhht, stop it, he just repeated what Zelder told him,“ Kevin said and held him back. „Let's go back to the gym. All of us.“

Connor nodded and led the way.

„Why the blanket?“ the Elder asked quietly while they were jogging along the corridor.

„For Poptarts obviously,“ Arnold responded, „to make him feel better. Didn't you learn first aid?“

\--

When they entered the locker room, they knew they weren’t alone. Someone was moving in the shower area. Connor motioned them to be quiet and wait before he slowly went up around the corner to have a look.

Kevin and Arnold watched him closely. With a hand he motioned them again to stay back. According to his facial expression he saw something _very very_ bad and it made Kevin's blood run cold.

„Chris, hey, it's me,“ he said, his voice the softest, like he was talking to a child. Then he entered the shower area and was out of sight for the two recruits. „It's Connor. I was looking for you.“ His voice faded away, barely to hear anymore.

„Should we follow?“ Kevin asked his friend. Sometimes he appreciated Arnold's strange skills in social interaction. They were often way over the top but that's what made them work at the same time.

„Not yet,“ he answered. „One is enough right now. Maybe in a few minutes.“

They waited in silence at the door of the locker room but after only a minute Arnold nudged Kevin’s arm.

„Something's wrong,“ he said and walked right up to the shower area, Kevin slowly following behind him, less confident. Around the corner they saw what had horrified Connor so much.

Poptarts was sitting on the cold floor in a shower section, leaning against the tiled wall. The missing gun was in his hands, aiming almost boredly at his own head. His eyes were red from the tears he'd cried.

Kevin forgot to breathe for a moment but Arnold didn't lose his cool. He dropped the blanket he was holding and waved as if they had met in the canteen.

„Hey buddy, what's up?“

Connor, who sat in the middle of the shower area in front of his best friend with his knees pulled up to his chest, gave him a startled look, but Poptarts turned his head towards Arnold.

„They say Sarah is dead, my sister.“

Poptarts voice was shallow and the words came out incredibly slow, like he was somewhere far away.

„I thought it couldn't be true but...Monson said so and the other letter. I tore it apart... Sarah, she's the only family I have left.“

He tightened the grip of his hand on the gun, still aiming at his head.

„I had to leave her to come here. I should have stayed. I should, I should have get back home sooner.“

His voice became louder and more desperate, now pressing the gun with both hands at his forehead. „It's my fault, I could have protected her! I left her alone!“

Kevin froze out of panic. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak. He was his roommate but he couldn't, he just couldn't--

„I'm sorry for your loss and I know you're hurting. But right now I'm a bit worried about a friend who is still alive.“ Arnold's voice was soft and certain.

Poptarts rolled his eyes with annoyance.

„Yeah,“ he huffed drowsily.

Arnold took a few more steps into the room and stopped next to the hunched figure in the middle of the room.

„I'm worried about Connor.“

Kevin watched Poptarts lowering the gun that was now resting against his chin. The blond man frowned and changed irritated looks between Arnold and his best friend.

„Why?“

„Well, if you want to kill yourself, that's your thing, buddy. I lost my mother three months ago, I know how you feel. You think dying would be less painful than to endure what you're feeling right now. At least that's what I thought.“

The air in the bathroom went cold. Kevin had no idea about Arnold's mother and even Poptarts looked slightly taken aback, lowering his gun to the ground.

„Oh, I didn't-- I'm sorr-- But what, what about Connor?“

„He'll miss you,“ Arnold simply said.

Kevin changed his position to look at Connor, still far away from his friends to not draw any attention to himself. Poptarts focused his eyes on Connor.

Connor, hunched with his arms around his knees, was crying without making a sound; just silent tears in an endless stream running down his cheeks, his body shaking, too scared to say anything at all out of fear to say something wrong.

„He'll miss you as much as you miss your sister Sarah right now. Am I right, Connor?“

Connor couldn't hold back anymore and buried his face into his hands, bursting loud into tears.

„I'm sorry,“ they could hear between his sobs. „I'm sorry, I'm sorry about Sarah. But you're, you're my family. You're all I have. Please. Please don't leave me. Don't leave me.“

It broke Kevin's heart to hear Connor repeating the same words over and over again. He didn't know that Connor had already lost his whole family. This was probably the reason why he didn't talk about his life before the LDS. The time before he'd found his best friend. Before he'd found a new family.

„No...Con,“ Poptarts whispered. It was a strange change of the situation. Poptarts, ready to kill himself only a minute ago, dropped the gun and stared helplessly at his friend who was still sobbing and whispering „please don't“ without being able to stop.

Kevin looked at Arnold. It had been a kind of blackmail against Poptarts, making him feel guilty, but apparently it had worked. Poptarts was the one who cared about everyone, especially his best friend. And the fact that this feeling was still stronger than his will to kill himself, said enough.

„Connor, it's okay,“ he said. His voice was shaking when he tried to make his friend stop crying. Connor looked up and wiped his face with his arm but the tears didn't stop. They both looked shattered. Poptarts tried to get up but didn't have the strength so Connor crawled towards him, pushed away the gun and embraced him tightly. They clung to each other as if it was the end of the world.

It probably was.

Kevin couldn't hear what they said, both crying and hugging, but he was sure that Arnold had saved more than one life this night. He didn't allow himself to think about what might have happened if his friend hadn't been around.

Slowly he picked up the gun Connor had pushed away and went back to the locker room to remove the ammunition. Better safe than sorry.

Arnold followed behind him. Tears were running down his cheeks.

„That was close,“ he said wearily.

Kevin stored the gun into his locker and went up to Arnold to put an arm around his shoulder, something he'd never done before.

„It was. You okay?“ Kevin asked quietly. Arnold nodded and wiped away some tears. „You're my best friend, you know that, right?“

Arnold turned his face to Kevin.

„I, I am? I didn't know that,“ he said with a hiccup and new tears in his eyes, „you've never told me.“

Kevin looked shocked. He had thought it had been obvious. They had spent so much time together but he never realized that he'd never responded when Arnold told him he was his best friend. He had simply smiled but nothing more.

„Oh Arnold,“ he said and hugged him tightly. He could hear and feel Arnold crying in his arms. „You are my best friend in this world.“

Kevin leaned back, ignoring the sudden tears on his own face and put his hand on Arnold's shoulder. „Don't you ever forget it.“

When they went back to the shower area, Connor had changed his sitting position. He leaned against the wall and Poptarts lay on the floor in front of him, his head in his friend's lap and his eyes closed. He was wrapped in the blanket Arnold had brought with him. Silently Connor stroked his blond hair.

„You go,“ he whispered when he saw them. „I'm staying with him.“

Kevin shook his head and sat down right next to the Elder. The floor was cold but he could feel the warmth of Connor on his left side. Their stretched legs touched.

„I'm staying as well, he's also my friend.“

Arnold followed and sat down on Kevin's other side to the right.

„You're all my friends,“ he said.

They didn't talk for a few minutes until -

„I miss her. Sarah.“

They couldn't see Poptarts face for he was facing away from them but they could hear his weary voice.

„She, she,“ he started to cry, „she will miss dancing.“

He needed a minute and some calm words of Connor to regulate his breath again.

„She is a dancer. Was. She could do anything. But she loved ballet and hip hop the most. She said she felt whole when she danced.“ Another crying fit made his body shake. „I will never see her again.“

Though Connor tried to stay calm for his friend's sake, Kevin could feel how he struggled beside him. If he said one more word, he would start to cry even more than Poptarts right now.

„You will see her again, Chris,“ Kevin said thoughtfully and hoped to find the right words. „Someday. And you will see her dancing again. But give her some time to prepare a new dance for you.“

He felt Connor's head on his shoulder, affectionately stroking against him for the words he had said, and was overwhelmed. In this moment he wanted to tell him so many things he hadn't said yet, things he wasn't even sure he felt yet, just in case it would be too late someday.

„I hope my family is waiting for me up there,“ Connor whispered, almost only for Kevin to hear.

„They do,” Kevin said and tried to swallow the tears.

Connor's body relaxed a bit and he nestled up to him. Kevin closed his eyes to safe this moment.

„My Mum isn't a great dancer but I'm sure she's baking. She's the best baker, you know?“ Arnold said. „You all are gonna try her apple muffins in heaven, you're invited. Well, in case that Moroni angel didn't eat them all, he looks so greedy.”

Suddenly a sound echoed through the shower area.

It was Poptarts.

He giggled. He giggled and couldn't stop, then Connor had to laugh and when Connor laughed, Kevin had to join as well. And soon they were all having a laughing fit on the cold floor of the shower close to midnight. It was almost panicky but the tension and intensity of the night's events decreased.

After a few minutes it got quiet again, the emotional exhaustion finally kicking in. Poptarts had fallen asleep and also Arnold was sleeping, only a soft snoring could be heard.

Carefully Kevin turned his head towards the redhead. He was still stroking Poptarts' hair.

„Hey you,“ Kevin whispered and Connor turned his head around. He wasn't crying anymore but his eyes were still swollen. His blue eyes looked even bigger than usual.

„Hey,“ he replied.

„How are you?“

Connor made a grimace. „Exhausted. You?“

„Same.“

Kevin turned up the palm of his left hand, the arm that was close to Connor, and waited. It was an offer, nothing more. Cautiously the Elder put his right hand on it and Kevin closed his own.

They were holding hands.

For a moment Kevin felt bad for feeling happy in this moment but then he remembered his ride on the Ferris wheel a whole life back. Ups and downs, always. He didn't know when another bad moment would come, another down, so he had to embrace the good ones whenever they appeared in front of him.

He took a deep breath and simply enjoyed the warm hand in his own. After a while he noticed that Connor was staring at him.

„What is it?“ he asked with a questioning look.

The Elder didn't answer; his eyes were scanning Kevin's face. It felt weirdly invading and intimate. Kevin would have looked away if his feelings for the redhead had given him a choice.

Then Connor leaned closer to him, his eyes looking at his lips and then into his eyes. Kevin's heart began to race and he hoped his sweaty hand went unnoticed. Was this really happening? He didn't want to hope but then--

„Would you kiss me?“

Kevin's stomach fluttered badly, his whole body tingled. At the same time it felt like a part of him had left his body to check from the outside if this was really happening. Somehow he managed to bring around his right hand to touch Connor's cheek. His fingers gently stroked the soft skin.

„Always,“ he breathed, looking deep into Connor's eyes, already trying to remember this moment before it had even began.

He started to close the distance between them, but before their lips could touch, they both stopped for a second.

Kevin closed his eyes and waited.

It was Connor who pressed his lips carefully against his own. First it was more of a touching, their lips barely moving but Kevin thought it was everything he had ever whished for. Then his hand on the Elder's cheek cradled his face and the kiss got more intense. All his feelings were suddenly in his lips, yearning for Connor. When their tongues touched for the first time, Kevin knew that Connor was the center of the universe. They both took an audible breath at the new sensation but didn't let go of each other. Kevin's hand was on the other's neck, pressing them closer. He could feel Connor's hand on his own chest, clutching to his shirt, also trying to pull him closer.

Somebody coughed.

Startled, they broke apart, checking if the others were still asleep, but it had only been Arnold in his sleep.

When Kevin turned around to continue the kiss, Connor's face wasn't close anymore. He looked flushed but also reserved. A look Kevin only knew too well.

„Thank you“, he said, not making eye contact with Kevin.

„You don't have to thank me, you can kiss me anytime,“ Kevin responded, uncertain about Connor's reaction. „I like kissing you,“ he added quieter. His heart was still close to explode.

„I shouldn't have done this but I wanted to,“ he whispered more to himself than to Kevin. „I'm sorry.“

„Oh, okay,“ Kevin said. His heart began to ache and he tried to swallow the sudden hurt he felt. „You don't have to apologize either.“

He leaned his head back on Kevin's shoulder. „We shouldn't have been here, we should have been there for him.“

Kevin thought he was falling, falling endlessly. The change of this situation was so abrupt, it made him sick. He watched Connor putting his left hand back on Poptarts' head. He couldn't even imagine how bad Connor had to feel after everything that had happened.

„I'm sorry,“ Connor repeated and let go of Kevin's hand.

In this moment Kevin didn't know if he had just broken up with him. His heart wasn't aching anymore, it was breaking into pieces. He wasn't falling anymore, he had hit the ground. If Connor hadn't been leaning against his shoulder, his body would have convulsed in pain. Instead he tried to push the pain aside like he'd learned it in his theory interrogation lessons. He breathed and tried to detach himself from his body. Soon the pain vanished to a bearable amount and left a sort of background humming inside of him.

„Get some rest,“ Kevin managed to whisper. „It's fine.“

It wasn't fine.

When Connor had finally fallen asleep on his shoulder, Kevin was still wiping tears from his face but he felt nothing.


	8. Communication Problems

The following week was another test on their mental and physical strength. With the exams ahead of them, the air was buzzing with both anticipation and anxiety. The uncertainty about the mission locations for the new recruits and the older Elders was heavy on everybody's shoulder. Only half of the recruits that had arrived three months ago would stay here for additional training, the rest would soon be ready to go and Kevin was one of them.

And that had become one thing he didn't even want to think about yet.

Whenever he entered his room, Connor was already there, sitting on Poptarts' bed and studying with his friend for the upcoming D9 exam. Sometimes Kevin left the room to look for Arnold; sometimes he sat on his own bed with his back against the wall, facing his two friends, studying for his own Elder exam.

Unless he didn't.

He was glancing at Connor.

How he ran his hand through his ginger hair when he was trying to solve an exercise. How he sometimes leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes to recite something in his mind. How he gestured when he explained something. How his fingers impatiently played with the pencil in his hand when Poptarts didn't know the answer of a question he had asked him.

How Connor sometimes glanced back at Kevin.

After the night they had spent with Arnold and a devastated Poptarts in the shower area, after they had kissed, after Connor had said „I'm sorry“, after Kevin had realized that _he truly was in love with Connor McKinley_ , after everything that had happened that day, they hadn't been close again.

During their last one-to-one lesson Connor had told him they should stop seeing each other for a while. With the exams ahead, they both would do better to concentrate on studying. And Connor had to look after Poptarts. Kevin couldn't even argue against his logic. But he remembered that he had used the term „for a while“. Not „forever“.

Kevin wasn't sure if it wasn't the same, though. If it was just a polite way to break up with him. Not that they've been a couple or anything at all. They just had sex. Connor had made it crystal clear from day one on.

The day after the kiss Arnold had asked Kevin why he'd been with Connor in the gym that late at night. Though he had promised to keep it a secret, he had told his friend about the non-relationship they were having and Arnold had listened patiently.

„And now it's over?“

„I don't know. I think so,“ Kevin had said quietly, trying not to cry, trying not to admit that he missed him badly.

Not only the sex, but _Connor_. How he talked, how he smelled, how he smiled, how he felt safe with him. How he forgot everything else that had worried him when he was with him. How he wanted to know everything about him.

And now they had reduced their communication to glances and Kevin didn't know what to think of it.

\--

Friday evening.

Poptarts was away for a last training mission before his exam when someone knocked on Kevin's door.

Sleepily he opened it. Connor was standing in front of him, wearing his gym outfit.

„Hi,“ Kevin said with surprise.

„Hi,“ Connor replied, nervously checking the corridor for others. „Um, may I come in?“

Kevin opened the door wider and beckoned him to enter.

It was weird to be alone together again in a private setting, Kevin thought. A tense atmosphere, though different again. It seemed to be always different with them.

„I think we should talk,“ Connor began hesitantly and sat down on Poptarts' empty bed.

„Okay,“ Kevin said, shrugging his shoulders. He didn't want to sit so he just lingered next to his own bed.

The redhead pressed his lips together and looked at him.

„I'm leaving in two weeks.“

„I know,“ Kevin said like it was no news to him. Which wasn't. Poptarts had already told him that Connor was scheduled to leave a week earlier than most of the others. Until now he had succeeded in ignoring this heartbreaking truth, more or less, and for the last two days he had tried to avoid Connor at all, both in person and whenever he had appeared in his mind. But his attempts were nothing more than attempts.

„Yeah,“ Connor mumbled and looked at his hands. „I just wanted to tell you in person.“

„Thank you.“

An uncomfortable silence filled the room.

„I will miss this place,“ the Elder started the conversation again and looked outside the window, only a few lights illuminating a pathway in the night. „It was my home for a year. It felt even longer.“

„Will you come back after your mission? To teach?“ Kevin asked.

He looked back at him. „Maybe. Depends.“

„Depends on what?“

Connor hesitated. „On my mission. I don't know where I will get send yet. There are rumors about an area in former Alaska that is safe enough to be considered a new District. A solid 4. And since I got trained to become a District Leader, my chances are good. But being a District Leader means to stay there for a very long time. If not forever.“

Kevin's heart sunk. „What about Poptarts?“ he asked and Connor's eyes became sad.

„Probably a District 7 or 8 in the former United States. If you ask him, he'll tell you he will be considered for a District 9 mission but I doubt it. I've spent a year here and read a lot of classified papers and a D9 was never a confirmed matter.“

„I'm sorry you won't get paired together.“

Connor shrugged uncertainly. „That's life, I guess. People come, people leave.“

Kevin walked up to the bed and sat down next to him.

„But you're still here now. And so am I.“ He stopped himself before he started to ramble. Before he could tell Connor how he felt about him, truly felt about him. Before it became even more real by saying it out loud. Before Connor could shake his head and say that it had been ‘just sex. Nothing more.’

Connor’s eyes met Kevin’s.

„Kevin,“ he said quietly, „I'm sorry about the other day.“

Those words again. _I'm sorry._ Kevin's head began to spin but then he felt a touch on his hand. Carefully at first, then Connor held his hand tightly.

Instead of a reply, Kevin leaned towards him and pressed a kiss on his neck. And another one. And a third one. Then he felt Connor's one hand in his hair, the other started pulling at his shirt.

In between getting rid of their shirts and their sweats, they turned off the lights and stumbled back to Kevin's bed. It wasn't wide but they didn't need much space anyway.

Kevin got lost in the moment as soon as Connor was on him.

It was different than the countless times they had sex before. It was more intimate, even without the kisses Kevin never ceased to long for. Slower, without any rush, alone due to the fact that they had a room to themselves and had not to fear someone might enter.

Their eyes locked countless times and Kevin had the feeling like they had never been closer.

„Connor, may I ask you something?“ Kevin said while Connor was lying in his arms, his fingers stroking over his chest.

„Hmm,“ he mumbled half asleep, “yes.”

It was early in the morning. The black of the world at night slowly turned to grey and some birds sang the first song of the new day. Connor had to leave in a few minutes, sneaking back into his room before Poptarts would return from his mission.

Kevin pressed a kiss on Connor's head.

„You haven't changed your mind about the kissing, have you?“ he asked quietly. Connor stopped in his movement. „I mean, it's okay if not.“ It wasn't okay. „I just, well, wanted to ask.“

„I haven't changed my mind,“ he said and pressed his nose into Kevin's skin like he wanted to hide. 

„Okay.“ Kevin said with a neutral voice, stroking Connor's arms. „That's fine.“

It wasn't fine.

\-- 

The next week was full of exams, both for the new recruits to become Elders and for the special trained older Elders to get their new qualifications. Kevin and Connor had hardly any time to see each other except at dinner or late at night in a locked bathroom. During exam time they didn't risk to hide in the gym.

On one exam day, Connor appeared at the recruit's breakfast table.

„What's on today?“ he asked with genuine interest. „Are you well prepared?“

„Advanced tactics,“ Zelder said. He had also got a special training during his time in Provo. „I dig this shit.“

„Davis, Cunningham and me are having our shooting test,“ Neeley answered nervously.

„Don't worry, I've seen you shoot, you will do just fine,“ their lead instructor tried to calm them. „And you're taking the interrogation theory exam, right?“ Connor asked.

Kevin nodded and tried to hide the smile that flashed over his face. He had told Connor about his fear over this subject the night before and it had ended with its own interrogation in the bathroom next to Kevin's room.

„I'm well prepared,“ he added.

„Well then,“ Connor said and squeezed Kevin's shoulder, „good luck to all of you.“

\--

„I'm drained,“ Kevin sighed and fell on his bed, „don't make me get up ever again.“ He'd just finished his last exam – shooting after nightfall – and was done with everything.

„I can't believe it's over,“ Poptarts said from the other bed. He was still in mourning for his sister but he tried to hide it while learning to accept his loss. Whenever Connor was busy with things he couldn't postpone, Kevin, Arnold or other friends of him spent time with him to distract him or to lend a shoulder to lean on. Though he was often sad, he hadn't stopped being the optimistic Poptarts Kevin had met on his first day. He smiled less, but when he did, it was the same broad grin as before.

He turned towards Kevin.

„I think I did well. My lead instructor already told me I was the best in Secure and Rescue. What about you?“

„I think I passed. I don't know about interrogation though.“ He looked at his roommate. „I hope I don't need to take an additional exam. I'm really looking forward to a free week. Even if it will be the last one for a long time.“

Poptarts nodded.

„Recharging our batteries, catching some sunshine, playing some soccer with the others. Oh, and the party!“

„I almost forgot!“

It was funny how everything had changed over the last months. When Kevin had got here, everything he had cared about was to become the very best recruit the LDS had ever seen. To get his personalized task, to prove that he was worthy for a District Orlando he still believed in. But he had not expected to find friends like Arnold and Poptarts. Even the others from his class had become dear to his heart.

And then there was Connor...

„Hey Kevin,“ Poptarts asked after a while, „I need to ask you something - I'm already sorry – but it's bothering me and I haven't seen Connor the whole day. It's nothing bad,“ he added.

Kevin turned around and put his chin on his hand.

„Should I be scared though?“

„Nooo, of course not.“ Poptarts sat up in his bed. „Here we go,“ he said and tried to look important.

„You and Connor, you have a...thing, right?“ Kevin hadn't expected this question and his eyes widened in shock. His roommate began to grin.

„I knew it! Dear Lord, you're good.“ He punched his pillow.  „You sneaky bastards, you're really good, and that means something coming from someone who is trained in special ops.“

„I don't know what you mean,“ Kevin said blankly and lay down flat on his back.

„For how long?“ Poptarts asked, ignoring Kevin's weak attempt to deny it.

„Um, about a month.“ Only a month had passed since Kevin had realized that he was attracted to Connor. Only a month? It felt way longer. So many things had happened during his time in Provo. He had felt more alive than all the years before.

„I can't believe you didn't tell me, both of you. Does Arnold know?“

„I only told him a week ago,“ he admitted and Poptarts threw his pillow against Kevin's head.

„I kind of hate you,“ the Elder laughed.

„No, you don't,“ Kevin replied with a laugher and threw it back. „How did you...I mean...what gave it away?“

Poptarts' grin became even wider. „Trust me, you don't want to know.“

With a smooth move Kevin sat up in his bed and bit on his finger. „That bad?“

Poptarts giggled and shrugged.

„You have to tell me,“ Kevin mumbled horrified.

The blonde man bit his lips. „Let's just say these walls here aren't that thick and apparently the bathroom's coziest spot is exactly next to the head of my bed.“

Kevin's face turned into a deep shade of red and he raised both of his hands to cover his eyes and mouth. „I'm...to embarrassed to comment on this.“ He took some deep breaths and peeked through his fingers.

„I warned you.“ Poptarts was still smiling. „If it's any consolation, I think you make a cute couple.“

Kevin lowered his hands and smiled back at him.

„Thanks,“ he said and his heart jumped up to his throat. A couple, _a cute couple_ , rang in his ears. He didn't have the strength to tell his friend that they were just having sex, according to Connor. Even if Poptarts would probably talk to his best friend the next day, who would clear their relationship status, for one night Kevin wanted to be Connor's boyfriend.


	9. Somewhere Safe

In the morning Kevin found a note that had been slipped under his door that told him to take an additional exam in interrogation theory after dinner. He had already expected it so it wasn't a big surprise to him but he was still loath to take the test again. After breakfast he kicked Poptarts out of the room who immediately had offered his help but Kevin knew how much he needed the free time.

So he spent the day skimming through his papers, worrying about his most hated subject, sometimes glancing out of the window to watch the others playing soccer - and thinking about Connor.

Late in the afternoon someone knocked.

„Oh, I expected Arnold,“ Kevin said after he'd opened the door and earned a blank stare of Connor.

„Sorry for being me,“ he replied stiffly „I wanted to wish you good luck for your exam.“

„That's nice of you. Thanks. I thought you were busy with the party tonight.“

„Everything is already done and ready.“

„Oh, okay. Um. Do you want to come in?“ Kevin asked. He was sure Poptarts had talked to Connor about their _thing_ and that was why the redhead was now standing in front of his door, tense and bugged.

„Chris talked to me this morning,“ he started and sat down on the bed. Here we go, Kevin thought, and tried to look all innocent.

„He already knew, I couldn't deny it,“ Kevin said and sat down on the other bed.

The Elder tilted his head. „I know, that's not what I meant.“ He hesitated. „He thinks we're a couple.“

„Oh,“ Kevin said. „Does he?“

„Yes.“ Connor's eyes were searching Kevin's face, but he didn't blink an eye. „Did you tell him we were?“

„No. I guess he must have assumed it.“ Kevin shrugged. At least it was the truth.

„And you didn't correct him?“

„Connor, I feel like I'm taking interrogation lessons again,“ Kevin groaned and buried his hand in his neck. „What did you expect me to say? No, I'm just having sex with my lead instructor, no biggie?“ Just to say these words made his heart ache. „And furthermore I thought his best friend could explain it a bit better than me.“

Connor stared at him, still as a statue.

„I didn't,“ he said.

„Didn't what?“

„I didn't correct him either,“ Connor repeated and looked at his hands. Kevin tried to hold his face in check. So Poptarts still thought they were a _cute couple_...? His stomach pulled in different directions and a warm tingling sensation went through his body up to his cheeks.

„Why not?“ Kevin breathed. He knew what he wished for. That it wasn't only sex. That it was more. Their talks, their touches, holding hands, their kiss. It _had_ to mean more. It did for Kevin.

Connor looked up at him.

„Chris,“ he started, „he said some things.“ Kevin gave him a quizzical look and Connor shifted to the edge of the bed. „When we started _this_ ,“ he motioned his hand between them, „I told you I didn't want to be kissed because--“

The door opened and Poptarts stared at them in disbelief.

„Kevin, there you are, check the clock, man.“

It was close to 5 pm. In less than four minutes his interrogation exam would begin.

„Shit,“ Kevin said and leaped to his feet. „I gotta go, what do I need?“

Connor pushed his writing things into his hand, their fingers touched for a brief moment.

„There you go.“

„Okay!“ the recruit said all nervous, looking at Connor before he left the room, „I guess I see you at the party.“

–-

That evening Kevin finally learnt what Monson had meant when he'd told them about McKinley's famous parties on their first day. It was supposed to be an after exam and an early goodbye party – their last week before their missions, their last week of a semi-safe youth.

It was after dark when Kevin headed for the party room, as it was called. In fact it was just a soundproofed room without any windows in the middle of the District. There was even a double door system before entering it.

Kevin was quite late. His interrogation exam had been difficult, even more with Connor and their interrupted conversation in the back of his mind, but in the end they had let him pass.

When he entered the party room the noise hit him like a baton on his head.

It took a moment for him to realize it was music that he heard; actual music from the time before, playing loudly over speakers.

He could feel the music in his body and barely hear his own thoughts. But it was good and uplifting with a nice rhythm.

Kevin looked around. The room was almost as big as the main hall even though the ceiling wasn't that high. Colorful light chains illuminated the room, several disco balls were hanging down the ceiling, it was slightly dark but cozy and warm at the same time.

He spotted Arnold across the room and walked towards him.

„Hey buddy,“ his friend said and pushed a drink into his hand, „congratulations on your last exam! This is a cocktail by the way. With real alcohol!“

Kevin was more wondering at the little umbrella in the cup.

„Only a bit alcohol,“ Zelder commented next to him, „they don't want us to get proper drunk.“

Kevin sniffed at the drink and took a long sip.

„Gosh,“ he coughed, „people really like to drink this stuff?“ Arnold and Zelder laughed.

„Yeah, they do. You know alcohol is rare. I have no idea how McKinley got his hands on this stuff. Here, take mine.“ Zelder passed him his own cup. „It's only juice. I get another one.“

„Thanks.“

It tasted much better though he felt a bit warmer after the long sip of the alcoholic beverage he had before.

Kevin leaned against the wall, sipping at his juice. Some of the Elders, recruits and staff members were dancing in the middle of the room. Everyone was dressed differently which was strange to see but also exciting. Some wore shirts which seemed to be from their parents or other people before the outbreak – with logos from music bands, movies, random pattern or simply colorful - , some women from the staff wore dresses.

It was a welcome change after the last months of white shirts, ties and dark pants. Kevin looked down on him. He was wearing a blue plaid shirt and a pair of jeans he'd got from his father. Nothing special but he liked it.

His eyes scanned the room while the conversation between Arnold and Zelder drifted into the background. They tried to get all the references they spotted on the shirts of the people and if they didn't know anything, they made something up.

„ _Do or do not. There is no try._ “ Arnold read aloud the logo of one of the shirts.

„Sounds like a sportswear ad if you ask me,“ Zelder said.

They made up a lot of things.

Where was Connor? Or Poptarts? Or the other dozen Elders of their unit? Half an hour passed and Kevin found himself sitting on the floor next to his friends. He'd just emptied his third cup of juice and felt quite good, moving in tact with the music with his upper body, listening to the meaningless and therefore wonderful conversation of his friends at his side.

Nothing about the exams, nothing about the training, nothing about the uncertainty of their lives in this world.

Then Kevin caught a glimpse of Connor. Apparently the D9 Elders just had a little party of their own in a smaller room next to the bigger one Kevin and the others were in. The redhead was surrounded by a dozen Elders and everyone was cheering happily at him. The music was too loud to hear what they were yelling but it was without a doubt directed at Connor.

When the group broke apart, either to dance or to hit the bar, he could finally see Connor in whole. He wore a black shirt and a pink tie and Kevin thought that he was the most beautiful being he'd ever seen. On his head a crown sparkled in the lights of a nearby disco ball, apparently a gift from his fellow mates.

Connor looked so flushed that Kevin couldn't help himself but to chuckle. Poptarts stood by his side, an arm around his shoulder, and talked to him.

Kevin had only eyes for the redhead. The hair under the crown was messy. Kevin could imagine too well how he had resisted wearing it at first and the others hadn't accepted his backtalk.

His cheeks were of a light red color and he seemed to be slightly tipsy – or simply overwhelmed by whatever the Elders had said to him. And boy, did he smile a lot. His face was almost as relaxed as when he was with Kevin – which made the latter a bit edgy but he swallowed his unnecessary jealousy.

He watched Connor roaming the room for something. Or someone.

Kevin resisted the urge to wave at him. Zelder and his other friends were still sitting next to him and he had promised Connor not to make any stupid hints when they were in public.

Finally their eyes met. Though Poptarts was talking to Connor, he left his friend wordlessly and walked straight up to Kevin. In the distance the blond man shook his head and laughed before he joined the other Elders at the bar.

Kevin was still sitting on the ground with his back against the wall when Connor appeared in front of him. From this close he could see that someone had inscribed 'DL' on his crown. District Leader.

Connor didn't say a single word but his eyes told a whole story. He put out both his hands to Kevin who accepted the offer and let himself get pulled up, both of them a bit wobbly on their legs. Connor put his hands on Kevin's waist and pulled him closer.

„Come with me?“

Kevin's heart was racing. They had never been that close in public. The tingling in his stomach was changing between a feeling of flying and falling. He didn't know whether Connor didn't care because the exams were over, because it was their last weeks or because he was too tipsy to realize what he was doing. Maybe all three.

„Are you drunk?“ Kevin asked, raising his voice to be heard against the loud music.

Connor chuckled. „No, I had to drink one shot but that's all. I'm just a bit psyched about everything right now. Did you see my crown? They got me a crown.“ He pointed at it.

Kevin noticed how Connor tried to hide the actual amount of excitement he was feeling but failed to a certain degree. He was chatty and energetic and it was intoxicating. Connor always tended to guard his feelings from others – now his hands clasped Kevin's waist like it was the most usual thing in the world.

„You look gorgeous,“ Kevin blurted and received a smile from him.

„Thank you.“ Connor’s eyes wandered down Kevin's body and Kevin could feel them almost like touches. „You look very handsome yourself.“

He pulled Kevin even closer, his mouth next to his ear.

„Will you come with me?“ he repeated.

Kevin wanted to say „yes“ but no word left his mouth. He could barely breathe. The tingling and the increasing heat he felt in every part of his body seemed to radiate from Connor. Softly he put his hands on the other's upper arms. It took all his strength not to kiss him right here and to say how much he felt for him.

„Yes or no?“ Connor breathed into his ear and goosebumps appeared on Kevin's arms.

„Always,“ Kevin finally managed to answer.

Connor took hold of his hand in a way that told Kevin he knew exactly what he wanted – or _who_. He led the way, almost dragging Kevin after him to a smaller chamber close to the exit. Connor didn't even turn around to make sure nobody saw them when they passed through the door.

It was a store room with some shelves, old exercise mats and technical instruments, low illuminated by a naked bulb.

„Was this a shortcut to the equipment room in the gym?“ Kevin joked and had barely locked the door when Connor was already onto him, undoing the buttons of his blue shirt.

Since they were still inside the soundproofed area, the muffled music could be heard through the door.

„I want you so badly,“ Connor mumbled. Kevin's stomach fluttered at these words and his hand found his way under the Elder's black shirt, almost automatically.

Gosh, it felt so good to touch him. When Connor had finished unbuttoning Kevin's shirt, he nibbled at Kevin's neck and fumbled impatiently on the zipper of his jeans.

Kevin's eyes widened when Connor crouched in front of him.

„Gosh, what are you doing?“ he breathed almost panicky.

Passionate and hasty make-out sessions weren't something new to them but first, it wasn't the most private setting, second, Kevin thoughts were still revolving around them both passing as a couple and third, Connor was bursting with energy like never before. A different kind of energy Kevin had never encountered before.

„What do you think? Celebrating your last exam. And something else I have to tell you later.“

Connor opened the zipper and slowly pulled down the jeans just enough to lick Kevin's hip bones, his tongue making its way towards--

„Woah, wait.“ He knew he wouldn't be able to think properly anymore as soon as Connor's lips would wander down to the part of his body that was currently still covered by his pants. Not that his thoughts were much clearer at this moment but at least he hadn't lost his words yet.

„Connor, wait!“ he said again and gently grabbed Connor's hair to stop him, accidentally pushing down his crown.

The redhead looked up and put his chin again Kevin's belly.

„You really want me to stop?“ he teased him with fluttering eyelashes.

Kevin affectionately stroked his head.

Instead of pulling Connor up, he crouched down as well and took his hands.

„Connor,“ Kevin said shakily, for he really wanted to do it with him, every fiber of his body wanted to have sex with the man in front of him, but he knew how much he would hate himself later. „I most certainly don’t want you to stop,“ he said, „but I think we should continue our conversation from before.“

Connor's facial expression changed. He closed his half-opened mouth, drew an inch back and stood up. Kevin followed him, buttoned his shirt and zipped up. The tension of Connor as well as the tension between them was back again.

„Right,“ Connor exhaled and lowered his head. „I'm sorry, you're right. I was a bit…overexcited.“

„Can we go somewhere else?“ Kevin didn't want to have the talk in a messy store room with loud music banging through the door and the whole District on the other side of the door. It didn't feel appropriate.

„Okay.“

Again Connor led the way. But he didn't hold Kevin's hand and he wasn't smiling. He was just – tense. They left the party room without looking back.

The cool air of an early autumn day bid them welcome. The quiet outside was a sharp contrast to the loud music inside of the party room; a full moon illuminated the grounds, barely any clouds in the sky. Without talking they walked away from the entrance, side by side.

On the other side of the party room Kevin stopped. No one would come that way at this time of the night. The pathway only led towards the training field and after the exams, no one would even think about coming this way.

Kevin leaned back against the wall of the building and took loosely hold of Connor's hand like it was a lifeline. Either this line was about to get cut or about to turn into something different. He couldn't tell. Not with Connor.

„You wanted to tell me why you didn't tell Chris that we're not a couple,“ he helped him to get back to the talk they had a few hours before. Connor looked at their locked fingers.

„I don't know,“ Connor said softly, obviously knowing exactly why. „He's a good talker. He said he hadn't expected us to... _to fall for each other_ but now that he knew, he could see why.“ He blushed lightly and Kevin had to swallow hard. „He said some very nice things. About us.“ He looked up. „I kind of wished you had been there to hear it. I know how much you like things like this.“

Kevin nodded silently. He didn't want to stop Connor from talking.

 „Everything he said, it made me think about some things.“

„What things?“

„About my no-kissing-rule, or rather why I had initiated it in the beginning. I was convinced of the idea that kissing would lead to feelings, to attachment. I'm not good with relationships. Attachment leads to detachment. I- I lost a lot of people in my life.“

His voice softened.

„My family, my foster family, friends. People I cared about. People I loved. And then I almost lost Chris.“

His fingers struggled in Kevin's but didn't let go.

„And I met you. And I liked you. And then I liked you even more. And I didn't want to admit how much you meant to me.“

„You said it wasn't the right time or place for relationships.“ Kevin remembered the words only too well.

„Yes, but...“ Connor raised his head with a look in his eyes as if he had to say something that was about to change everything. „When I said it wasn't the right _time_ or _place_ for emotional attachments, for falling in love, I really meant it. And I still do.“

Kevin was about to lower his head, not being able to look into Connor's eyes anymore.

„But I made a mistake in this equation.“

The redhead pressed his lips together and caught Kevin's gaze again.

„I didn't consider I might meet the right _person_.“

A nervous smile appeared on Connor's face but vanished when Kevin didn't say a word or moved either. So he straightened his posture, holding Kevin's hands with a firm grip, trying to make him stay with him.

„I was selfish and scared. And I'm sorry. Though I said I didn't want to get kissed, you kept asking me. Not on a daily basis but consistently. I'm not a fool, well, _in fact I am_ , but after a while I knew how you felt about me. And then I started to feel the same about you. The night I almost lost Chris I realized that it wasn't working – to shield my feelings just by not kissing you. And then we kissed and....“ His voice faded.

Kevin couldn't react at all, he kept staring at Connor. A part of him still didn't want to believe what Connor was saying and he froze, not only his body but also his feelings, in fear of a trap.

„I tried not to feel anything but I was--, you already got me. And I wanted you to get me.“

„What...“ Kevin whispered in shock.

Connor pulled Kevin's hands against his chest and stepped closer.

„You got me.“

„Connor,“ Kevin said weary, „Please, what...does that mean? I-- I can't do this anymore. These ups and downs. I need to know what this is, what are we circling around?“

„I thought you knew by now.“

Kevin remembered the night when they had kissed and all the things he had wanted to tell Connor.

„I only know what I feel,“ he said, locking his fingers with Connor's.

They all came into his mind again. He took a deep breath and finally said the words he so desperately needed to say.

„If I lost you tomorrow, in two years, in two decades or at the end of time, right now it wouldn't make a difference. It would hurt the same. If we had kissed a thousand times or just this once, it wouldn't make a difference. I would love you the same.“

Connor came closer, his hands on Kevin's upper chest, and Kevin continued.

„I, I know we are young and we live in strange times but I don't want to deny myself to have feelings just because I might lose you, Connor. I just want to be with you, no matter how much time we will have. And if it's just tonight, I'd be happy.“

„But I want more than tonight.“

Kevin's breathing sped up when Connor's face was close to his. With a finger he softly touched Kevin's lips.

„You remember our kiss?“ How could Kevin ever forget this kiss?

„Of course.“

„I think that was the moment I knew that I had fallen in love with you.“

Without further ado Kevin pulled Connor closer and Connor himself urged forward to press his lips on Kevin's. For a very long moment they didn't move except their lips on each other's. Kevin was holding Connor's arm like he was scared he might leave and Connor's hands were holding onto Kevin's shoulders to pull him closer.

„Connor,“ Kevin breathed when they parted, still feeling the other's lips on his, „I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love--“

Connor shut him up by pressing another short kiss on Kevin's lips.

„I need to tell you something,“ he said. „I already got my mission location.“

„WHAT?“

„It's okay,“ Connor said and put a hand on Kevin's suddenly pale cheek. „It's why I was so thrilled today, it's...“

He took a deep breath and leaned his forehead against Kevin's, to keep his mouth close to his, to press small kisses in the side of Kevin's mouth when he told him the following things.

„The downside first. There's a District 9.“

Kevin thought he had lost all of his blood within a second. With sudden fear for Connor he pulled him in a tight embrace and pressed his nose in Connor's neck.

„There's a District 9 and I'm appointed to become the District Leader. Monson said there are already people living there, somehow. He made contact to a man called Mafala Hatimbi. They need help to make the area safer. They need guns, soldiers, food, a proper border, medical help.“

„I can't imagine there's an upside.“

Kevin felt a kiss on his cheek.

„There is, Kevin.“

Connor withdrew from their embrace to look him in the eyes.

„Monson told me there aren’t enough D9 approved Elders to join this mission. That’s why he gave me the authority to assemble my own team.“

„Do you mean--“

„I made a few suggestions and he checked if the people I named were at least qualified enough for a mission like that. They were.”

He took a deep breath.

“If you want to, I'd like you to be on my team. Because you are smart, you are one of the best recruits I've ever trained and because, well…”

Connor leaned forward and kissed him. Kevin put his hands on the redhead’s waist and pulled him closer.

“I’m with you, always,” he whispered. He couldn’t believe they had a chance to stay together. And more time, even it was in a District 9 far away from home.

“It’s up to you. It’s dangerous, as you know.”

“I feel pretty safe with you.” He put his forehead against Connor’s and smiled. “And I think the cute couple is ready to smash some zombie’s heads together.”

\--

While the party was still going strong in the soundproofed room, Kevin and Connor sat down on the lawn next to the building, leaning against the wall. Connor's legs were spread over Kevin's thighs and he had nestled up to him. Shoulder to shoulder, head to head, their quiet talk was only interrupted by sweet kisses.

„Okay,“ Kevin summarized, „you, me, Poptarts, Arnold, Zelder, Church, Davis, Neeley and someone called Michaels and either Schrader or Widmar.“

„That's correct. The Elders already know. After your graduation, you and the others will get the official information and have the option to join us or to get transferred to a less dangerous District. Do you think everyone will join us?“

„I’m sure. Especially Arnold will be thrilled about it. I’m so glad he's coming with us.“

“I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I trust him with my life.”

Kevin wondered if Connor had thought of the night in the shower area. They had never talked about it but all four of them knew that it wasn’t off the table yet. But everything had its time and Poptarts wasn’t ready yet. Neither was Connor.

For a while Kevin and Connor simply enjoyed the silence and each other's company, holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes, getting lost in kisses.

„Do you think we'll stay there forever? In this new District 9?“ Kevin whispered.

Connor shrugged and leaned his head against his shoulder.

„I don't know. The mission is scheduled for two years. After that we're allowed to leave.“

„I thought,“ Kevin said hesitantly, „maybe one day we could live together. Somewhere safe.“

Connor huffed. „Somewhere safe. Like where?“

„There's a District with a security rate of zero.“

Connor looked at him and searched his eyes. „Zero? Do you believe in this?“

„I know how it sounds but Monson said so!“ With a few words he told him everything he had heard when he was a young boy and what had been written in the letter he had received.

„Kevin,“ Connor said carefully und cradled his face with his soft hands, „I'm sorry. There is no _real_ District Orlando. It's not even a rumor. It's something different.“

„What do you mean? What is it then?“ Kevin asked irritated. His whole life he had believed in this District and suddenly he didn't exist? It couldn't be.

Connor heaved a sigh and kissed him softly.

„My love, District Orlando with a security rate of zero is a metaphor. Monson made it up when he was younger and he keeps using it whenever he talks about a new District.“

„A metaphor?” Kevin asked shocked. “What for?“

„It means that every District has the ability to become the perfect place it has once been; if everyone just works together, if everybody helps each other. If we don't forget what makes us human. And,“ he kissed Kevin once again, „if we don't forget why we're here and why we should stay here.“

Kevin didn't say anything for a while. He wouldn't get himself or his family to safety, not like he had hoped for. But then again they still had each other and in a few days he was allowed to contact them. Maybe he could even tell them about Connor.

Everything he had believed in began to shift into something different. So there was no District Orlando but he realized that he got the chance to make this new District 9 like he had wished the perfect District to be like.

Safe, secure and the happiest place on Earth. Not only for himself but for everyone who lived there. Everyone deserved a safe home.

Everyone deserved a home.

He looked at Connor.

„So it's a metaphor, okay, it doesn't make a difference.“

„Do you still believe in a District Orlando?“ Connor asked.

„If we're all together? Yes,” Kevin said, “I believe.”

 

\- THE END -

**Author's Note:**

> Hey again. Thanks for reading! :)  
> Was it alright? I always appreciate a comment and someone who cries with me about Connor's and Poptarts' friendship.


End file.
